and I’m the dad.

February 8, 2013 | 8:30am

Beth:	[age 4] "It would be strange if the toilet was full of candy. You know, candy canes and chocolate and little bits of marshmallows."
Me:	"Umm... you haven't put any candy in the toilet, have you?"
Beth:	"Don't be silly. I wouldn't do that!"
Me:	"I'm glad to hear it. Please don't ever put candy in the toilet."
Beth:	"If you did that, then you couldn't eat the candy! It would be all gross!"
Me:	"That's true."
Beth:	"But the toilet /is/ clogged with something else right now."

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January 17, 2013 | 8:30am

[Scene:	I've opened the bathroom door to investigate thumping and banging noises]
Me:	"What are you doing in here?"
Luke:	[age 8, on the toilet, innocently] "What do you mean?"
Me:	"Well, why are you banging on the wall? Is everything alright?"
Luke:	"Yeah. I'm just doing my spy stuff."
Me:	"Your spy stuff involves banging on the wall?"
Luke:	"Yeah, you know, like this." [demonstrates swift leg and arm movements which sometimes hit the wall] "When I sit on the toilet, I pretend I am on a spy mission. I am fighting off bad guys."
Me:	"Ah, so you're doing kung fu on the toilet."
Luke:	"It's not Kung Fu -- it's Potty Fu!"
Me:	"Or Kung Poo."
Luke:	"THAT'S IT!" [does a swift kick to the wall]

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Filed under: spy toilet potty mission martial arts karate kung fu fist kick punch bathroom dads fathers fathering fatherhood parents parenting parenthood child children childhood boys kids

November 25, 2012 | 9:00am

It's a Small World After All

[Scene:	Luke, age 8, is sitting on the toilet singing "It's a Small World After All" at the top of his lungs]
Me:	[knocking on bathroom door] "Could you quiet down a little?"
Luke:	"But I'm singing!"
Me:	"Yeah, everyone can hear you, even upstairs."
Luke:	"No, I'm singing about my poop! I'm constipated and it's all coming out small!" [launches into a new round of the song]
Me:	"Um. Could you just sing a little more quietly, please."
Luke:	"But it helps me go! Come on, sing with me!"

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Filed under: song singing bathroom small world disney poop toilet kids boys child children childhood parents parenting parenthood dads fathers fathering fatherhood quiet loud volume

November 8, 2012 | 9:00am

Spy on a mission

Me:	"Where have you been?"
Luke:	[age 8] "I was in the bathroom."
Me:	"You were gone awhile. Is everything okay?"
Luke:	"Yeah. I was using the toilet. Also I was in there pretending I was a spy on a mission."
Me:	"Ummm... what kind of mission were you on in the bathroom?"
Luke:	"I don't think you want to know."

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Filed under: spy mission bathroom time kids child children childhood parents toilet poop pee dads fathers fathering fatherhood parenting parenthood potty

May 12, 2012 | 8:44am

"I’ve decided on a new superhero name. I’m going to be The John. My special power will be making people have to go to the bathroom really badly, right away. Bad guys will have to stop what they’re doing or else they’ll poop in their pants."

— Luke, age 7

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Filed under: bathroom superhero superpower john toilet pee poop name boys kids child children childhood parents parenting parenthood fathers fathering fatherhood dads

April 20, 2012 | 8:40am

Yee-haw!

Both my kids sing and talk to themselves while sitting in the toilet. Just now, as they are each in separate bathrooms — which are several rooms apart, and with the doors shut — they both shouted “Yee-Haw!” at exactly the same time.