February 8, 2013  |  8:30am
Beth: [age 4] "It would be strange if the toilet was full of candy. You know, candy canes and chocolate and little bits of marshmallows."
Me: "Umm... you haven't put any candy in the toilet, have you?"
Beth: "Don't be silly. I wouldn't do that!"
Me: "I'm glad to hear it. Please don't ever put candy in the toilet."
Beth: "If you did that, then you couldn't eat the candy! It would be all gross!"
Me: "That's true."
Beth: "But the toilet /is/ clogged with something else right now."
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December 13, 2012  |  8:30am
Songs of the Boy, Part 8

More lines from Luke’s improvised singing:

  • Welcome to the Buttcheek Rodeo / Hang on and watch out!
  • Polly ain’t getting a waffle from Daddy today!
  • A billion barnacle buckteeth can’t be wrong.
  • Once when I was a child / There was poop on the ceiling.

Past lyrics from Luke: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7.

For songs from Beth, see 1, 2, and this Thanksgiving thing.

Also, inexplicably, this.

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November 25, 2012  |  9:00am
It's a Small World After All
[Scene: Luke, age 8, is sitting on the toilet singing "It's a Small World After All" at the top of his lungs]
Me: [knocking on bathroom door] "Could you quiet down a little?"
Luke: "But I'm singing!"
Me: "Yeah, everyone can hear you, even upstairs."
Luke: "No, I'm singing about my poop! I'm constipated and it's all coming out small!" [launches into a new round of the song]
Me: "Um. Could you just sing a little more quietly, please."
Luke: "But it helps me go! Come on, sing with me!"
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November 8, 2012  |  9:00am
Spy on a mission
Me: "Where have you been?"
Luke: [age 8] "I was in the bathroom."
Me: "You were gone awhile. Is everything okay?"
Luke: "Yeah. I was using the toilet. Also I was in there pretending I was a spy on a mission."
Me: "Ummm... what kind of mission were you on in the bathroom?"
Luke: "I don't think you want to know."
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June 9, 2012  |  8:58am
Cuckoo clock
Luke: [age 7] "Is there really such a thing as a cuckoo clock? You know, with a bird that comes out and says 'coo coo'?"
Me: "Yes, there is. Your great-grandfather collected them. They were all mechanical, not electronic."
Luke: "You know what would be funny? A ca-ca clock. The bird would come out but instead of saying 'coo coo', it poops on you. 'Ca-ca' splat! You don't want to be standing under it at 12 o'clock or you'll have a real mess."
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May 12, 2012  |  8:44am
"I’ve decided on a new superhero name. I’m going to be The John. My special power will be making people have to go to the bathroom really badly, right away. Bad guys will have to stop what they’re doing or else they’ll poop in their pants."

— Luke, age 7

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