November 6, 2012  |  9:00am
Growth spurt
Me: "Why are your pants halfway down your butt?"
Luke: [age 8] "I had a growth spurt. It was really fast. I grew right out of my pants!"
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April 10, 2012  |  8:57am
Zipper on my butt
Luke: [age 7] "Dad, there's something wrong with these pants. There's no zipper!"
Me: "Hmm. Looks like you've got them on backwards."
Luke: "Backwards? How could I have them on backwards? There was no tag in the back."
Me: "Yeah, but they're pants. You should look for the zipper so it can be in the front. Turn around." [Luke turns around; I zip up and down the zipper which is now on his butt] "See? It's backwards."
Luke: [giggling] "No way! Let me see." [cranes his neck trying to look at his own butt, turning around in a circle like a dog chasing his tail]
Me: "You won't see it that way. Go look in the mirror."
: [Luke leaves the room giggling to look in the mirror. A minute later I hear a loud thud, and I run to check. Luke is lying on the floor, laughing hysterically]
Me: "What happened?"
Luke: "I kept turning around and around trying to look at my own butt, and I got so dizzy I fell over!"
Me: "All this because you put your pants on backwards?"
Luke: "Yeah! And I've got a zipper on my butt! This is AWESOME!"
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July 30, 2011  |  2:31pm
Do what I want with it
[Scene: Luke, age 6, has just entered the kitchen for breakfast]
Luke: "Look, Dad!"
Me: "Oh please. Pull up your pants."
Luke: "It's my penis. I can do what I want with it."
Me: "That is not true."
Luke: "Whaddya mean? It _is_ mine."
Me: "Yeah, but like every other part of your body, there are good things and bad things you can do with it. In this case, showing your penis to everyone is bad. It's obscene."
Luke: "But the dog walks around with his penis hanging out."
Me: "The dog does not wear pants."
Luke: "He could."
Me: "Pull up your pants now before you get into trouble."
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June 3, 2011  |  3:00pm
Butt stereo
[Scene: Luke, age 5, coming out of the bathroom]
Me: “Where are your pants?”
Luke: “Look at my butt.”
Me: “What?”
Luke: “I sat on the toilet so long, I got giant rings on my butt cheeks.”
Me: “I see.”
Luke: “Don’t they look like giant stereo speakers?”
Me: “No.”
Luke: “But wouldn’t it be cool to HAVE stereo speakers that looked like a butt?”
Me: “No.”
Luke: “They'd be great at a party! Boom Boom Boom!”
Me: “Go find your pants.”
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