August 7, 2012  |  8:41am
What are my choices?
[Scene: the kids were having this conversation in the back of the car]
Beth: [age 4] "How many sheep can fit into a tree?"
Luke: [age 7] "What are my choices?"
Beth: "5, 9, or 80."
Luke: "9?"
Beth: "No."
Luke: "5?"
Beth: "No."
Luke: "80?"
Beth: "Yes, that's it!"
[both erupt in laughter]
Luke: "Oh YEAH! Daddy's in the house tonight and he's eating at home!"
Beth: "It's your turn."
Luke: "Okay. How many unicorns can fit into a port-a-potty?"
Beth: "What are my choices?"
Luke: "A million, a million, or a million."
Beth: "Hmm. A million?"
Luke: "Is that the first million, the second million, or the third?"
Beth: "The third?"
Luke: "No."
Beth: "The first?"
Luke: "No."
Beth: "It must be the second!"
Luke: "YES!"
[both erupt in laughter]
Luke: "Your turn now."
Beth: "How many motorcycles can fit on the roof?"
Luke: "Of what? The car?"
Beth: "The roof of that building right there."
Luke: "Okay. What are my choices?"
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Filed under: silly games conversation questions answers multiple choice fun nonsense kids child children childhood parents parenting parenthood fathers fathering fatherhood car driving dads back seat
May 7, 2012  |  9:03am
Do you know the f-word?
Luke: [age 7] "Do you know the f-word?"
Me: "The one that rhymes with 'truck'?"
Luke: "Yeah, that one. What does it mean?"
Me: "It has lots of meanings, I guess. Originally it meant to have sex."
Luke: "But why is it a bad word?"
Me: "I don't know why some words become worse than others. It's just a more crude way of saying the same thing."
Luke: "Oh. Like how 'fart' means the same thing as 'toot' but it's kind of a more nasty way of saying it."
Me: "Yes, like that. Actually there are a lot of words for sex. Remember yesterday, when Grandpa was talking about two animals 'humping' each other, and you asked me what that meant, and I said I'd explain it to you later when your sister wasn't around? 'Hump' is another word for having sex. There are lots of words like that."
Luke: "But that's not as bad as the f-word?"
Me: "Not really, but sex is a private thing anyway, so it's not something you should be talking about except in private. Of course, 'hump' has other meanings which don't have anything to do with sex. Like humps on a camel."
Luke: "Does the f-word mean anything else?"
Me: "Well... it's a swear word. A kind of a word called an 'expletive'."
Luke: "An expletive? Like, it explodes?"
Me: "Sort of. Most of the time, expletives are words you use when you have so much emotion and meaning all at once that you don't know what else to say. Sometimes I swear if I stub my toe and it really hurts. It just comes out of my mouth. I guess you could say it explodes out of my mouth. Boom."
Luke: "Oh, it's like when I ran into the door at school the other day and said the h-word. It just popped out of my mouth. I didn't even know I was saying it until I had already said it."
Me: "Yeah, it's like that. Of course, when someone says the f-word as an expletive, they're not usually thinking of literal, actual sex. It's just meant to be emotional. It's also usually really negative, though sometimes people mean it in a really positive way."
Luke: "Huh? A positive swear word?"
Me: "That's the way they mean it, but there's pretty much always a better way to say it."
[pause]
Luke: "So... what other swear words do you know?"
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May 5, 2012  |  8:52am
"WILL EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET? I am trying to make a call on my fairy phone and I can’t even hear myself think with all this noise! You’re making this fairy very angry!"

— Beth, age 3, while holding an imaginary phone up to her ear

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April 3, 2012  |  8:29am
Butt translator
Luke: [age 7] "Did you know I'm a butt translator?"
Me: "What's a butt translator?"
Luke: "It means I can turn any word you say into a butt. Seriously. Anything. Just say something."
Me: "I need more coffee."
Luke: "You mean, 'I need more BUTTS!' See?"
Me: "Hmm. I don't know if this is a marketable skill."
Luke: "You mean, 'I don't know if this is a BUTT!' See? Works every time. I'm famous for it at school."
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December 16, 2011  |  11:01am
I never argue
Luke: [age 7] "You know, I never argue. I'm not the arguing kind of person."
Me: [suspiciously] "Oh? You never argue?"
Luke: "Never. Not me."
Me: "I think you're trying to get me to say 'yes, you do' so that you can say 'no, I don't' and argue with me about it."
Luke: [beaming] "Of course!"
Me: "Ha! I knew it was a trick."
Luke: "That's my special power. I make people's minds do tricks."
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