Look, Mommy! Daddy got me dressed all by himself!– Beth, age 4
I guess Fancy Nancy isn’t so fancy anymore!– Beth, age 4, upon stripping a Fancy Nancy doll completely naked
I’m working at home today. Beth, age 4, just walked into my office and mooned me. I have no idea where she gets this behavior. Honestly.
Mr. Putter and Tabby
“I bet Mr. Putter and Mrs. Teaberry get it on after Tabby and Zeke go to bed.” I posted that the other night, but then through my own tired ineptness with my Tumblr phone app, accidentally deleted it. But not before it got posted to Facebook, where somebody shared this link… …one of my favorite romances is one that blossoms in the pages of the Mr. Putter and Tabby series, written by Cynthia...
Holy crap. Just had a half-hour talk over lunch with the kids. It started when they were debating the differences between giving, sharing, trading, and selling. (Borrowing and loaning also got a mention.) Then we got into goods versus knowledge, and then into the idea of “value,” and finally landed on intellectual property and the concept of copyright. It was really cursory, of course, and yet...
Luke: [age 7] "Dad, did ..." [mumbles something]
Me: "What? Did you just say, 'did the switch swatch swoosher snitch'?"
Luke: "Um... honestly, I don't know what I just said, so never mind."
The Olympics are cool, but you know what would be even cooler? Mountain...– Luke, age 7, while hiking through a mountain range in a national park
Spike Cannon, Part 2
Beth: [age 4] "Remember, I'm Spike Cannon, the superhero!"
Mom: "What does Spike Cannon wear?"
Beth: "She has a cape that is brown and blue, and she has black hair."
Luke: [age 7] "Does she wear anything else besides a cape? Or is she a naked superhero?"
Beth: "She's not naked! But her cape is sparkly. She has a dress with all these fire decorations and power decorations on it. And a hat."
Mom: "What kind of hat?"
Beth: "It's like that hat you wear to the beach..."
Mom: "A sun hat?"
Beth: "Yes! A sun hat. But it has fire decorations and sparkles."
Luke: "Does she wear boots?"
Beth: "She doesn't wear boots. She wears a special kind of shoes that I made up. I can fly with them. They have fire wings this wide." [stretches hands out] "She also wears pants. And socks! I almost forgot socks."
Mom: "You can fly?!"
Beth: "Yes. I'll show you sometime. But not today."
Today my superhero name is Spike Cannon. I have a pet dragon named Dragon. He...– Beth, age 4 (who also showed me the secret message)
Oh Yes I Would!
[Scene: Beth, age 4, is breathlessly chasing Luke, age 7, around the house]
Luke: "Stop, Beth! I said STOP!"
Me: "Beth, I heard him say 'stop'. You should stop before somebody gets into trouble. Now, why are you chasing him?"
Luke: "She's trying to pull down my shorts!"
Mom: "Really? Beth wouldn't do that, would she?"
Beth: [snappily] "OH YES I WOULD!!!"
I’m going to be the parent now. [pause] No! I said no! Maybe. Yes! Good...– Beth, age 4
Luke just TOTALLY got his grandmother with one of those trick squirting flowers.
Songs of the Girl, Part 2
For previously noted songs of Beth, age 4, see this (or these from Luke: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7). A few recent lines: Inchworm, inchworm, measuring my butt. / I hope it’s not as big as it looks. There’s a robot / Driving down the road / Uh oh, uh oh / I stepped on it to pieces! Girls are beautiful, girls are pretty / but boys are just boys. My brain is sending a message to my...
Songs of the Boy, Part 7
For previously noted songs of Luke, age 7, see parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, or 6 (or this from Beth). A few recent lines: I won’t stop, stop, stop / Until my butt goes wacko! Hey ho, my name is Joe / I like to eat yellow snow! / Yum yum! You stopped me in my tracks / And asked if I had Exlax / The answer is still no / But I can tell you where to go. I, I, I… am, am, am… THE NINJA...
Beth: [age 4, holding a book about dinosaurs] "Did you know that nobody has ever seen a real dinosaur? They all died a long time ago! All these pictures are just drawings! They don't REALLY know what color the dinosaurs were. Maybe they were white with purple stars! Maybe they had glitter all over them! Maybe they had fuzzy curly fur all over them like a pink poodle! That's what I think they looked like."
Me: "Really? You think the big scary T-Rex was pink and fuzzy and sparkly?"
Beth: "Oh yes. ESPECIALLY him!"
Childhood and struggles
Most of you have not met me in person. Those who have, know I struggle with my weight. It is something I’ve fought my whole life, especially when I was a kid, and so I have worked hard to not pass it on to my kids. As a result, my kids eat healthy. We’re not vegetarians but our diet has a high percentage vegetables and fruits. My son loves veggies, and will even order salads at restaurants. He...
Passive/Aggressive Spilled Milk Carton Notes →
This could easily be my kids in a few years.
So, after the kids are in bed, and you and your spouse are trying to repaint the kitchen, when do you drink the case of beer? Before painting. During painting. After painting. All of the above. What sayest thou?
What are my choices?
[Scene: the kids were having this conversation in the back of the car]
Beth: [age 4] "How many sheep can fit into a tree?"
Luke: [age 7] "What are my choices?"
Beth: "5, 9, or 80."
Beth: "Yes, that's it!"
[both erupt in laughter]
Luke: "Oh YEAH! Daddy's in the house tonight and he's eating at home!"
Beth: "It's your turn."
Luke: "Okay. How many unicorns can fit into a port-a-potty?"
Beth: "What are my choices?"
Luke: "A million, a million, or a million."
Beth: "Hmm. A million?"
Luke: "Is that the first million, the second million, or the third?"
Beth: "The third?"
Beth: "The first?"
Beth: "It must be the second!"
[both erupt in laughter]
Luke: "Your turn now."
Beth: "How many motorcycles can fit on the roof?"
Luke: "Of what? The car?"
Beth: "The roof of that building right there."
Luke: "Okay. What are my choices?"
Beth: [age 4] "Daddy, I love you! Beep beep beep!"
Me: "I love you too, sweetheart. What's the beeping for?"
Beth: "I'm a Love Robot! Beep boop beep!"
Somebody’s gotta be the princess, and it might as well be me!– Beth, age 4
I don’t know why I bother bringing a book to read when I go I the beach with young children.
The Death Star is so big, I bet there’s a shopping center in it...– Luke, age 7
Who leaves a monkey in a public place like that? Seriously! This man in a yellow hat needs to have his head examined.
Sandwich and water
Beth: [age 4] "Mommy, can I please have some of your sandwich?"
Mom: "Yes, you can have one bite." [hands Beth the sandwich, of which Beth takes a bite]
Beth: "Here you go, Mommy." [hands back sandwich] "Can I please have a drink of your water?"
Mom: "Yes, you can have a sip." [hands Beth her water thermos, from which Beth takes a sip]
Beth: "Here you go, Mommy." [hands back thermos] "Thank you."
Mom: "You're welcome! And you said that very nicely."
Beth: "Okay, but when I was drinking, I also put some of your sandwich in your water."
So this caffeine is walking around LIKE CRAZY
Luke: [age 7] "So this caffeine is walking around LIKE CRAZY, then a can comes along and fills itself up with caffeine, then a guy comes along and drinks it and can't stop going to the bathroom, then a kid comes along and drinks more of it, then the kid talks ALL THE WAY to California. And then there's this weird trampoline there and he jumps on it until HIS HEAD FLIES OFF! But his head has a parachute on it and it parachutes itself all the way to New York City, and it lands on the Empire State Building and becomes a famous landmark called THE BODILESS BOY!!"
Me: [looking at soda can] "Did you drink my whole soda while I was gone?"
Me: "Hmm. There's a lot of caffeine in it."
Luke: "I KNOW!!!!"