Your side of the car
[Scene: I'm driving while the kids are fighting in the back seat]
Me: "Luke, keep your hands on /your/ side of the car!"
Luke: "Yeah? Then she has to keep /her/ hands on /her/ side!"
Me: "Yes, that's true. Beth, keep your hands on your side of the car too."
Luke: [to Beth] "See?"
Beth: "But, Daddy, his /voice/ is still on my side!"
I don’t want this! The smell is broken!– A visiting 3-year-old boy, who had left his favorite blankie at home and was offered a substitute
Something's bothering you
[Scene: our family has been going through a rough patch lately, thanks to external issues with people and situations that have all of us on edge. I've just found Luke, age 7, sitting on his bed, head down, crying silently.]
Me: [sitting down next to him] "Hey, Luke.... what's bothering you?"
Luke: [whispering] "Nothing."
Me: "Come on. Something's on your mind. Do you want to talk about it?"
Luke: [looks up at me, and speaks passionately] "I'm crying, alright? I'm crying because there's all these thoughts in my head, and some of them are sad, and some of them are scary, and some of them are angry, and I don't know how to handle them all at once, so I'm crying! I'm crying! Is that okay? Do I have to talk?!"
[silence for a minute]
Me: "Three things. First, I love you. Second, it's okay to cry and you don't have to talk unless you want to. Third, I love you."
[silence for a minute]
Luke: "I know."
[he leans on me; we just sit for awhile]
Actual warning from my son’s new bike helmet: “This helmet provides no protection to parts of the body that it does not cover directly.” Gee, really? Not his knees or elbows or anything?
That settles it! I’m /never/ owning an onion farm!– Luke, age 7, after his eyes teared up while I was chopping an onion
Mom: "One more hug, then I've got to go to work."
Beth: [age 4] "Mommy, I have to tell you something secret."
Mom: "Okay." [bends down to Beth's height]
Beth: [whispering] "Remember to look for sparkles today. I'm going to send you lots of them while you are work. But don't tell anyone! They're only for you!"
Daddy, I ask you so many questions because I want to make sure you know what...– Beth, age 4
Before 7am today, my dog has thrown up, my wife called me a dork, and my daughter blew milk out her nose all over the kitchen table. Happy Wednesday, I guess.
Luke: [age 7, improvising a song] "You know what I like, like like? I like poisonous electrocution with afros!"
Me: "Come on, now, that's just total nonsense coming out of your mouth."
Luke: "Total nonsense? That's the point of a boy! All my words are To Stupidity and Beyond!"
Kids talk about love
These aren’t from my kids, but maybe I should ask… How Do You Decide Whom To Marry? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. (Alan, 10) The Personal Qualities Necessary To Be A Good Lover? One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have...
Life on other planets
[Scene: bedtime for Beth, age 4]
Beth: "There's one more thing I want to pray about!"
Mom: "Go ahead."
Beth: [clasps hands, closes eyes] "Dear God, please tell me if there is life on other planets. Amen." [lies down]
Mom: "That's interesting. Okay. Time to go to sleep."
Beth: [sits up suddenly] "Wait! He just told me: there /is/ life on other planets!"
Me: "Oh? Did he say which planets?"
Beth: "No. We still have to figure that out."
Re: It's a Letter Gun
thesahmmy replied to your photo: “It’s a Letter Gun. It only shoots letters. In… so the gun is F’ng the horse? Yeah, that crossed my mind as well, but I didn’t want to say that to him.
She’s just so bossy! She always has an answer for everything, and...– Luke, age 7
Mom: "Okay, it's my turn. I'm thinking of an animal that is black and white with a stripe."
Beth: [age 4] "Hmm... is it a zebra?"
Mom: "No, smaller than a zebra."
Beth: "A baby zebra?"
That part just grows back
[Scene: Luke and Beth, ages 7 and 4, have recently been engaged in a dramatic argument involving a lot of shouting and crying]
Me: "Good heavens! Sometimes I wish I could open up your heads and remove whatever part of your brain makes you irritate each other."
Luke: "It's no use, Dad. That part just grows back."
The Letter B
Beth: [age 4, while riding in the car] "I need a tissue! I need a tissue!"
Me: "Just a moment, I'll get you one."
Beth: "Oh! I don't need it. I don't have the booger any more."
Me: "Where did the booger go?"
Beth: "It's on the window. Look, I made the letter B!"