May 2012
38 posts
4 tags
Re: Gum out of carpet?
Thanks everyone for the responses to my question. By popular response, both online and privately, it appears everyone agrees: ice the gum.
Unfortunately I did not discover the gum until it was pretty well ground into the carpeting, but I’ll try the ice and see what happens.
3 tags
Gum out of carpet?
So, parents… the boy has managed to get chewing gum stuck in some carpet. Any suggestions for getting it out?
27 tags
Songs of the Boy, Part 5
For previously noted songs of Luke, age 7, see parts 1, 2, 3, and 4 (or this from Beth).
Frying pans, frying pans, and I ain’t afraid to use them. / They just don’t feel the way they used to anymore.
The Easter bunny is fictitious, fictitious, da da dada dum. / But bunny ears are still fun to play with.
The smell of my own butt / is better to me than roses / better to me than donuts...
26 tags
Just one more grape
[Scene: Beth, age 4, is at a party with me, eying a tray of fruit as I'm about to go get some more food for myself]
Me: "Do you want me to get you anything?"
Beth: "Daddy, I want just one more grape."
Me: "A grape? Just one?"
Beth: "Yes, just one."
Me: "Okay, I'll get you a grape."
Beth: "And a piece of watermelon. One grape and one piece of watermelon."
Me: "One grape, one piece of watermelon. That's all?"
Beth: "Yes."
Me: "Okay, got it."
Beth: "I mean, three pieces of watermelon."
Me: "You want /three/ pieces?"
Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "Do you still want the grape?"
Beth: "Yes."
Me: "Just /one/ grape?"
Beth: "Yes."
Me: "Alright. I'll be right back."
Beth: "And one piece of cantaloupe."
Me: "Now hold on. You want one grape, one piece of cantaloupe, and three pieces of watermelon?"
Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "Are you sure?"
Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "Absolutely sure?"
Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "No more?"
Beth: "No."
Me: "Okay. I'll be back in a minute."
: [I return with more food for me and some fruit in a bowl for Beth]
Beth: "Hey, Daddy! This is /not/ what I asked for."
Me: "What's wrong?"
Beth: "You gave me /two/ grapes!"
Me: "I thought you liked grapes."
Beth: "And you gave me a strawberry! I didn't ask for any strawberries!"
Me: "Did you get one grape?"
Beth: "No, I got two!"
Me: "But you got at least one?"
Beth: "Yes."
Me: "Did you get three pieces of watermelon?"
Beth: "Yes."
Me: "Did you get one piece of cantaloupe?"
Beth: "Yes."
Me: "Then stop complaining! You got some yummy free stuff too!"
Beth: "But I didn't want that. You should have gotten me a piece of pineapple instead of the strawberry. Now I want pineapple!"
15 tags
Marigolds
Me: "These are beautiful marigolds."
Beth: [age 4] "Like in the Bible?"
Me: "Hmm. I don't remember any marigolds in the Bible. I remember roses and lilies, but not marigolds."
Beth: "But there's lots of marigolds. Jesus had a lot of marigolds. He had a marigold with water and wine, and a marigold when he made a man not dead anymore."
Me: "Do you mean 'miracles'?"
Beth: "No. Marigolds. I think God just likes marigolds."
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Money
Beth: [age 4] "Daddy, do you know anything about money?"
Me: "Not as much as I should. But I know that it's good to earn money to support yourself and help other people, and it's wrong to think that you need lots of money to be happy."
Beth: "Well, I don't have to worry about that -- I don't /have/ any money!"
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“I don’t like boy germs. It’s okay if you kiss me. Those are daddy...”
– Beth, age 4
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“I don’t think the Loch Ness Monster is real. Or any of those hairy...”
– Luke, age 7, after reading several books on these topics
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Princess Feeds the World
Beth: [age 3] "Let's play 'Princess Feeds the World'."
Me: "Hmm. I've never played that before. You'll have to tell me what to do."
Beth: "It's easy! You sit down in that chair and I'll stand over here. This --" [gestures to middle of the room] "-- is the world."
Me: [sits] "Okay. Now what do I do?"
Beth: "You are the Sunshine King. I am the Water Princess. So first we have fly around the world and throw seeds over the ground, like this." [tiptoes gracefully around the room, scattering imaginary seeds onto the floor]
Me: "Can I do that?"
Beth: "Open your hand. ... Here are some seeds." [drops imaginary seeds into my hand] "Now, plant them!"
Me: [attempts to imitate graceful movements around the room]
Beth: "Oh Daddy. Really. No. Not like that at all. Like THIS." [repeats what she did earlier]
Me: "I thought that's what I was doing."
Beth: "You were doing it wrong. Just sit down and let me do it."
[she continues hovering around the room, scattering seed, for a minute or two]
Beth: "Okay. Now we need to water the seeds."
Me: "Can I do that?"
Beth: "No, you are the Sunshine King. A Sunshine King cannot make rain. Only a Water Princess can make rain. Like this." [puts hands behind her back and flutters around the room, passing over the scattered imaginary seeds] "There. I watered the plants with rain."
Me: "Now what?"
Beth: "Now you shine on them."
Me: "How do I do that?"
Beth: "You're a Sunshine King! All Sunshine Kings know how to shine. Just do it!"
Me: "Okay, okay. I'll try." [I get up, put my hands out, and move around the room trying to look like I'm beaming sunrays toward the imaginary seeds]
Me: "How's that?"
Beth: "It's not bad. Do it again. They need more."
Me: [repeats]
Beth: "Stop. That's enough. Now sit down and wait with me."
Me: [sits] "How long do we have to wait?"
Beth: "Until the plants grow."
Me: "Okay. I'm going to talk a sunshine nap. You let me know when they're done." [leans back, closes eyes]
Beth: [waits a minute, then grabs my arm] "Look! They're ready!"
Me: [opens eyes] "Great! So what did we plant?"
Beth: "We have corn and tomatoes and lettuce and carrots. Now we just have to pick everything and give it to the world to eat!"
Me: "Is this enough for the whole world?"
Beth: "Of course it is! As long as you don't eat too much. Now help me pick it or you don't get any."
5 tags
“Look out, world! Here comes AWESOME!”
– Beth, age 3, heading out of the garage on her tricycle
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“Dad, sometimes you have too many ideas. That’s dangerous for a guy like...”
– Luke, age 7
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Most powerful
Beth: [age 3] "I am a fire princess. I am the most powerful fire princess in the world."
Grandma: "Oh, Beth. You know what is the most powerful thing about you? The love you have in your heart."
Beth: [firmly] "No, Grammy. The most powerful thing about me is that I can make a fire tornado that shoots out of my hands to kill predators. Not love."
3 tags
Re: Tumblr Backup?
So after this and this, I e-mailed Tumblr’s tech support. They said (a) the backup software is not actually written by Tumblr so they don’t actually support it, but (b) if your queued messages are stalling the software, move all your Queue posts to Draft, and it should work fine.
They were right.
21 tags
Do you know how I kill sharks?
Beth: [age 3] "Do you know how I kill sharks?"
Me: "You kill sharks?"
Beth: "Yes. I kill sharks by shooting fireballs into their mouths and then they explode and kill them."
Me: "Wow, I didn't know this. Do you have to do this a lot?"
Beth: "I've done it one time. Actually I've done it two times. But you should always be ready."
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Celebrating
[Scene: Luke, age 7, is making farting noises]
Me: "Will you please stop making those noises?"
Luke: "Why?"
Me: "It's gross, and it's really loud."
Luke: "But it's Mother's Day."
Me: "What does /that/ have to do with it?!"
Luke: "It's a holiday. That means I get to celebrate. And this is how I want to."
Me: "You're going to be celebrating in your room by yourself if you keep this up. Not exactly what you want to be doing on Mother's Day."
Luke: "Just one more?"
Me: "One more."
Luke: [does it]
Me: "Okay, that's all for today."
Luke: "I can't promise that. I might feel like celebrating again later."
13 tags
Happy Mother's Day!
To all the moms out there — please, have a good one. You’re important. You do important work.
And to everyone honoring a mom, do something nice for her. And then do something nice for moms all over the world. As I suggested earlier: plant a virtual flower with EngenderHealth to raise money for maternal health around the world (it’s free to you!), or donate to women in war-torn...
20 tags
“I’ve decided on a new superhero name. I’m going to be The John. My...”
– Luke, age 7
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Re: Re: Tumblr Backup?
mywildloves answered your question: Re: Tumblr Backup?
This might sound really stupid, but you can always just copy and paste your chats to Word and keep them there on a local account on your comp
Not a stupid suggestion at all. It’s the most reliable solution. And in fact I had been doing that for awhile. But in the last few months, I’ve been posting more and more via my iPhone,...
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Re: Tumblr Backup?
Thanks for responses, folks.
stay-at-homedadblunders and lazydad both use the Tumblr Backup application without a problem, even though they’re using the queue. Alas, it still doesn’t work for me. The software authenticates properly, but as soon as the backup status hits “Queue”, I get a pop-up window telling me, “Error during backup: API request failed. Please check...
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A Rabid Reddish Baby Rabbit Named Barbie
[Scene: Luke, age 7, and Beth, age 3, are sitting with me on Beth's bed just before bedtime. For various reasons, Beth begins hitting me in the head with a toy stuffed rabbit.]
Me: "Beth, stop hitting me in the head. No bunny-based violence before bedtime."
Luke: "C'mon, it's not like it has rabies."
Me: "What if it did have rabies? Would that make it a... rabid rabbit?"
Beth: "She's a baby rabbit!"
Me: "She's also kind of reddish. Maybe she's a rabid reddish baby rabbit."
Luke: "A baby rabid reddy ... rabish .... oh man."
Me: "She needs a name that has B's and R's, too. How's this: a rabid reddish baby rabbit... named Barbie."
Luke: "Barbie?!"
Me: "Yeah, it's got two B's and an R. She also needs a location. Something that begins with the letter 'B'...."
Beth: "Boston!"
Luke: "Brooklyn!"
Me: "Hmm... Brooklyn has an 'r' in it too... wait, how about Barbados? A rabid reddish baby rabbit, named Barbie, in Barbados?"
Beth: "A red baby rabber ... Barbie... in ... Bargango?"
Me: "Barbados!"
Luke: "We need the word 'butt' in there."
Me: "Oh please."
Luke: "And 'bongos'."
Beth: "Bongos that look like butt cheeks!"
Me: "Okay. A rabid reddish baby rabbit... named Barbie... playing buttcheek bongos in Barbados! Whew. Say that five times fast."
Luke: "I can't even say it once."
Me: "Try it."
Luke: "A reddish rabbit named baby Barbie... wait, what was it again?"
Me: "A reddish rabid raby babbit... wait, no, a rabid reddy baby rabbit. Okay. Full stop. A. Rabid. Reddish. Baby. Rabbit. Named. Barbie. Playing buttcheek bongos. In Barbados."
Beth: "I like Bargango better."
Me: "Okay. We'll go with Bargango."
Luke: "It should be 'buttock.' Sounds better that 'buttcheek'. Playing buttock bongos in Bargango."
Me: "Does everything really need to be about butts?"
Luke: "Everything already is."
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Tumblr Backup?
Do you ever back up your Tumblr blog?
I tried using the official Mac Tumblr Backup app but it doesn’t work for me. I’ve read elsewhere that it can’t handle Tumblrs with messages in their queue. If so, it ain’t gonna work for me. I use the queue a lot. There are various “offline browser” applications for Mac and Windows (like WebCopier) that let you download a...
21 tags
The edge of the world
Beth: [age 3] "How far away is the edge of the world?"
Me: "Well... the world is the shape of a ball, so there really isn't an edge. You just keep going around it."
Beth: "No, Daddy. The world is flat, but it's folded up into the shape of a ball. If you could unfold it the right way then you would see the edges."
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Reminder: Mother's Day
Mother’s Day is this Sunday. Do something nice for your own mother, or the mother of your kids (even if that’s you), or pretty much any other mother you know. Being a parent is seriously hard work, and in much of the world, moms carry most of the parenting load.
Chocolate? Maybe. Flowers? Not a bad idea. Dinner? Better. But try this: there are a plethora of nonprofits who work with...
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“Space really does have aliens. But we’ll never meet them. They just fly...”
– Beth, age 3
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R.I.P. Maurice Sendak
“Once a little boy sent me a charming card with a little drawing on it. I loved it. I answer all my children’s letters — sometimes very hastily — but this one I lingered over. I sent him a card and I drew a picture of a Wild Thing on it. I wrote, “Dear Jim: I loved your card.” Then I got a letter back from his mother and she said, “Jim loved your card so much he ate it.” That to me was one of the...
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Do you know the f-word?
Luke: [age 7] "Do you know the f-word?"
Me: "The one that rhymes with 'truck'?"
Luke: "Yeah, that one. What does it mean?"
Me: "It has lots of meanings, I guess. Originally it meant to have sex."
Luke: "But why is it a bad word?"
Me: "I don't know why some words become worse than others. It's just a more crude way of saying the same thing."
Luke: "Oh. Like how 'fart' means the same thing as 'toot' but it's kind of a more nasty way of saying it."
Me: "Yes, like that. Actually there are a lot of words for sex. Remember yesterday, when Grandpa was talking about two animals 'humping' each other, and you asked me what that meant, and I said I'd explain it to you later when your sister wasn't around? 'Hump' is another word for having sex. There are lots of words like that."
Luke: "But that's not as bad as the f-word?"
Me: "Not really, but sex is a private thing anyway, so it's not something you should be talking about except in private. Of course, 'hump' has other meanings which don't have anything to do with sex. Like humps on a camel."
Luke: "Does the f-word mean anything else?"
Me: "Well... it's a swear word. A kind of a word called an 'expletive'."
Luke: "An expletive? Like, it explodes?"
Me: "Sort of. Most of the time, expletives are words you use when you have so much emotion and meaning all at once that you don't know what else to say. Sometimes I swear if I stub my toe and it really hurts. It just comes out of my mouth. I guess you could say it explodes out of my mouth. Boom."
Luke: "Oh, it's like when I ran into the door at school the other day and said the h-word. It just popped out of my mouth. I didn't even know I was saying it until I had already said it."
Me: "Yeah, it's like that. Of course, when someone says the f-word as an expletive, they're not usually thinking of literal, actual sex. It's just meant to be emotional. It's also usually really negative, though sometimes people mean it in a really positive way."
Luke: "Huh? A positive swear word?"
Me: "That's the way they mean it, but there's pretty much always a better way to say it."
[pause]
Luke: "So... what other swear words do you know?"
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Boo-boo
Beth: [age 3, holding out finger] "Daddy, I need a Band-Aid."
Me: [examining her finger] "You do? I don't see any cut on your finger."
Beth: "It's right there. See?"
Me: "No, sweetheart, I don't see it. I don't think you need a Band-Aid unless you have an actual boo-boo."
Beth: "But I do have a boo-boo. You just can't see it. It's a clear boo-boo."
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“WILL EVERYONE PLEASE BE QUIET? I am trying to make a call on my fairy phone and...”
– Beth, age 3, while holding an imaginary phone up to her ear
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Re: Notice anything?
Per this morning’s picture… maybe it’s time I gave Luke the first socks talk?
(sorry, I couldn’t resist)
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Girls are never silly
Me: "Who do you think is more silly, you or me?"
Beth: [age 3] "You!"
Me: "What? Me? But you're silly too."
Beth: "No. Girls are never silly. Girls are always serious. But boys are always silly. So that means you are more silly than me."
Me: "You're /never/ silly?!"
Beth: "I'm /never/ silly. I am always very serious when I'm silly."
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No questions. Just butts.
Luke: [age 7] "Do you know that Dad talked to me about sex?"
Mom: "Yes, I know. He and I had been planning on it."
Luke: "Petrified pee-pees sound pretty weird."
Me: "I didn't say your penis got /petrified/, I said it got /hard/."
Mom: "If it weren't for sex, you wouldn't be here."
Luke: "Whatever. Look. I just want you to know: at school, nobody talks about sex. We mainly make a lot of butt jokes. So I don't want to hear any more about sex."
Me: "Fine, but if you have questions, just ask."
Luke: "No questions. Just butts."
14 tags
Re: Nature and sex and petrified penises
ap0calyptic replied to your chat: Nature and sex and petrified penises: the first sex talk
that was the best segue into the sex talk I’ve ever seen! nice job and you’re so smart to do this early on. my brother is 8 and he knows a lot from his friends at school, but not much of the important stuff you mentioned to luke, he needs a talk lol
Thanks!
I couldn’t have planned the deer tracks,...
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Nature and sex and petrified penises: the first...
[Note: This is a long one...]
[Scene: Luke, age 7, is out with me for a hike through nearby fields because I'm going to give him an introductory talk about sex]
Luke: "Look, Dad, deer tracks." [stops and examines them]
Me: "You're right. Where are they headed?"
Luke: [observing] "They look like they're coming from the house over there, and they're going toward the gully on the other side."
Me: "Looks like two sets of tracks."
Luke: "Yeah... but these are smaller and closer together than the other."
Me: "Maybe it's a small deer? Or a fawn? It seems a little early in the year for fawns."
Luke: "Maybe it's just a small deer."
[we resume our hike]
Me: "It is spring, though. We saw baby ducks at the pond last week, and the hatched robins' eggs in the yard, so you know baby deer aren't far off. Lots of animals have babies in the spring."
Luke: "Yeah, even bugs do."
Me: "Yep, even bugs." [long pause] "Do you know where baby animals come from?"
Luke: "They come from mommy animals."
Me: "Yes, but how does that happen?"
Luke: "The mommy gets pregnant. She gets a baby growing inside her, and then the baby comes out when it's ready."
Me: "Do you know how the mommy gets the baby inside her?"
Luke: "It happens when she wants it to happen, right?"
Me: "It's a little more complicated than that. Actually, this is something I wanted to talk to you about."
Luke: "What's that?"
Me: "Well, lately, I've heard you talking about things you've heard at school or seen when we're out in public. Like when you said the word 'sexy' the other day because one of your friends at school says it. Or when you were asking about the covers on magazines at the checkout, why women practically had their breasts hanging out of their clothes."
Luke: [suspiciously] "Yeah...?"
Me: "All of that is related to something called sex. Have you heard that word before?"
Luke: "Maybe. I don't think so."
Me: "Even if you haven't heard it directly, I can tell you're hearing and seeing things related to sex. And as you get older you'll be hearing a lot more about it from friends or school. That's what I want to talk to you about."
Luke: "Okay. But first, let's swordfight!"
Me: "Sure."
[Luke picks up a couple of sticks from the ground and tosses one to me. We fight until the sticks have broken]
Me: "Alright, let's keep walking."
Luke: "Can I lead?"
Me: "Where do you want to go?"
Luke: "Let's head down to the big old tree on the other side of the field."
Me: "Okay. You lead, and I'll keep talking."
Luke: "You're good at that."
Me: "Very funny. So look, we were talking about baby animals. When animals have babies, it's called 'reproduction'."
Luke: "What does that mean?"
Me: "When something reproduces, that means it makes another copy of itself. A baby deer is a new deer. A baby person is a new person. In fact, all living things reproduce. Animals, people, bugs, trees."
Luke: "And flowers."
Me: "Right. Everything that's alive needs to reproduce. You know when we're watching a wildlife documentary and they talk about the animals 'mating'?"
Luke: "Yeah. Look over there. What's that?"
Me: "What?"
Luke: "There. That white thing on the ridge." [points across the field]
Me: "Hmm. Hard to tell in the grass. Could be a cat."
Luke: "Let's go look."
Me: "Okay. So, 'mating' means that the animals are reproducing. They're making baby animals. And they do this by having sex."
Luke: "Having sex?"
Me: "When animals or humans make a baby, that baby isn't an exact copy of the mom, right? They look different?"
Luke: "Well, they kind of look similar."
Me: "But not exactly the same."
Luke: "No."
Me: "That's because our bodies grow according to information, kind of according to a plan, really. I think you've heard people talk about 'genes' -- that's the plan for how your body grows. Half of that plan comes from a baby's mother, but the other half comes from the baby's father. That's why you kind of look like me and kind of look like Mom. But the dad has to get his half of the information inside the mom. That's what the nature movies call 'mating', which is sex."
Luke: "You mean, they get married?"
Me: "Well, animals don't get married. People should get married before they have sex, but sex is an activity. It's something the mom and dad have to do together."
Luke: [peering ahead] "I don't think that's a cat up there. I think it's just a piece of trash stuck in that clump of grass."
Me: "You might be right. We can still head up there and see. If it's trash we can see about taking it home and putting it in the garbage can."
Luke: "Okay. Can I climb up the dirt pile too?"
Me: "I don't know. Last time it was covered in thornbushes."
Luke: "I won't climb it if its covered in thorns."
Me: "Good idea."
Luke: "But we'll check on the trash first."
Me: "Right. Lead on." [pause] "So, I said that sex was how the mom and dad make a baby. It's pretty straightforward. You already know what a penis is."
Luke: "It's your pee-pee."
Me: "It's a boy's pee-pee. Girls and women don't have a penis, though. Their pee-pee is called a vagina."
Luke: "A boy's penis sticks out of his body. Girls' pee-pees don't stick out."
Me: "Right, that's one major difference between boys and girls."
Luke: "I've seen Beth's pee-pee before." [Beth == Luke's 3-year-old sister]
Me: "Exactly. And moms and dads use them for sex. The dad puts his penis inside the mom's vagina, and puts his information inside her. That's what makes her pregnant."
Luke: "Seriously?"
Me: "Yeah."
Luke: "They put their pee-pees together? That makes a baby?"
Me: "Yeah."
Luke: "So the dad pees inside the mom? Am I made out of pee?"
Me: "No, not at all. During sex, pee doesn't come out of the man's penis. Instead something called 'sperm' comes out. It's white. It's got all the information that the dad has to put inside the mom. And inside the mom is her information -- it's called an 'egg' -- which gets together with the dad's sperm, and if everything works out, together they eventually turn into a baby."
Luke: "Is a mom's pee-pee really big enough for that?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Luke: "I mean, is it big enough for a dad's penis?"
Me: "Well, a baby comes out of it, and that's a lot bigger than a penis. So yeah, it's big enough."
Luke: "This doesn't sound right. I don't understand how a dad's pee-pee gets in there."
Me: "Well, when a mom and dad want to have sex, the dad's penis gets hard, so he can slide it into the mom's vagina."
Luke: "It gets petrified?"
Me: "It gets hard, yes, though I wouldn't call it petrified. Actually it's called an erection, or sometimes a 'hard-on'."
Luke: "That's crazy. Petrified pee-pees!"
Me: "If you like. But that's how people have babies: the dad puts his penis --"
Luke: "His /petrified/ penis!"
Me: "-- his /erect/ penis -- in the mom's vagina, and sends over his sperm to team up with the mom's egg and turn into a new person. Lots of animals do this too, in one way or the other."
Luke: "Dad, this is pretty disgusting."
Me: "Good, keep thinking that way. But there's a couple more things you need to know about sex."
Luke: "Are you almost done?"
Me: "Just two more points."
Luke: "Okay."
Me: "So, I've explained how sex happens. But it's not just how you make babies. For grown-ups, sex also feels good. It's one way that two people show love to each other. It's really personal and private. Most sex is just because it feels good, not because people want to make a baby."
Luke: "Yuck."
Me: "Look, God made sex for two reasons: to make babies, and for moms and dads to help each other feel good. But it's something that needs to happen between people who are married."
Luke: "Did you and Mom do this? You put your pee-pee inside Mom's pee-pee?"
Me: "Yes."
Luke: "That's gross."
Me: "Like I said: for grown-ups, it feels good. It's one way that moms and dads show each other love."
Luke: "Have you guys done this more than once?"
Me: "Yeah. I mean, you know we've done it at least twice, since we have two kids, but we've had a lot more sex than that."
Luke: "How long does sex take? Is it all day?"
Me: "Umm, not usually. It doesn't take long."
Luke: [points to the ridge we've reached] "Look, it's a plastic bag. It's not a cat."
Me: "You're right." [picks it up] "Let's take it back home and put it in the trash."
Luke: "Can I climb the dirt pile?"
Me: "There's a lot of thornbushes on this side. But we can walk around to the other side and see if it's any clearer."
Luke: "Okay."
Me: "So, a few points so far: first, sex is when a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina. This is how people make babies. It also feels good."
Luke: "Are you almost done?"
Me: "Almost. There's two things to remember. First, like a lot of good things, the world tries to turn sex into something it shouldn't be. Like, people thinking sex is more important than other things, or that sex is something you can do with anybody you want to, instead of keeping it between people who are married."
Luke: "Like people who eat too much food or want too much money."
Me: "Yeah, kind of like that. It gets out of control for some people. Or they think they need to use sex to get people to like them. So being 'sexy' is how people try to attract other people. It's like looking handsome, except it's using more private parts of your body."
Luke: "So people want to look like they want sex?"
Me: "Yes."
Luke: "But do they /really/ want sex?"
Me: "Sometimes."
Luke: "That's really weird."
Me: "And there are other people who act like sex is bad, when it's not."
Luke: "It sounds pretty bad to me."
Me: "One more point. Penises and vaginas are the parts of your body you use for peeing, and also sex. A women's breasts are also for sex, not just for feeding babies. All these body parts need to be kept private. They're not for touching, or letting other people touch, or make jokes about."
Luke: "Boobs are part of sex?"
Me: "Yes. And they're private. Last week you grabbed [J...]'s breast when you were playing. Don't do that. Breasts are private in the same way that penises are private."
Luke: "Can I climb the dirt pile? There's no thorns on this side."
Me: "Sure, just be careful."
Luke: [climbs pile] "Does Mom know you're talking to me about sex?"
Me: "Yes, she knows. She and I talked about how we would talk to you. So, just to repeat the major points: sex is when a man puts his penis inside of a woman. This is so they can reproduce -- make a baby -- or to feel good. Also, this is a personal thing, a special thing, and should be between people who are married. That's the way God designed sex, and that's the way it works best. It's supposed to be sacred. And finally, the parts of the body like penises or vaginas or breasts are part of sex, and are really private parts of your body. Nobody should be touching them, and you shouldn't be touching other people's."
Luke: "So you only have sex in private? Do people ever have sex where other people can watch them?"
Me: "If they do, that would be a good example of people doing something wrong with sex."
Luke: "That would be weird. Like: 'Look at me! I have a petrified pee-pee!'"
Me: "Do you have any other questions?"
Luke: [sliding down dirt hill] "No."
Me: "Well, if you ever have any questions about sex, or things you hear or see, just ask me or Mom. We'll always answer any question you may have. And trust me: you will hear more about sex as you get older."
Luke: "Can we go home now?" [brushes pants off] "I'm getting hungry."
Me: "Sure."
Luke: [starts walking back with me] "And can we stop talking about sex? And petrified pee-pees?"
Me: "Yes. What would you like to talk about now?"
Luke: "Butt jokes."
--- : ---
[Note: This was just an introduction to sex for an audience of one seven-year-old boy. I didn't get into topics like contraception, STIs, pornography, homosexuality, etc. I may have missed writing down a couple details in the conversation, but this is most of it. Of course, you are free to disagree with my approach, but the main thing is: in your own way, please talk to your own kids about sex, before somebody else does.]
