You take the guns. I’ll take the bunnies.– Beth, age 3, enlisting my help in carrying toys upstairs
The great thing about good memories is that they taste good in your mind.– Luke, age 7
This blog temporarily out of service.
No posts lately. Everyone in the house got slammed with the same fever/ache/cough a couple of nights ago. Plus I have to work overtime on something urgent. There’s nothing quite like working until midnight and then getting up five times before 6am to tend to sick kids. Oh, what a feeling. I could fall over. I’m sick too. Hmm. Am I whining?
The Sex Talk
I’m having The Sex Talk with Luke today. It is definitely due. My wife and I have already decided a few points: Boys should hear about sex from their dads, and girls should hear it from their moms. I don’t think this is sexist; rather, it’s about presenting a good role model. Alternatively, both parents should be present. Either way, the information should be the same, and...
Sugar and spice
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is sitting across the room as her mother is working on something]
Beth: "Mommy, I love you a whole lot. You're the best mommy in the world."
Mom: "Aww, I love you too. You're so sweet! I think you're made out of sugar and butter with just a little bit of spice."
Beth: "Wow, you can smell me all the way over there?"
Beehive and firehose
Me: "It's pretty late. You're going to have a bath, but you're just going to play a little in the water and then we'll only wash your privates."
Luke: [age 7] "Privates? You mean my legendary beehive and legendary firehose?"
Me: "Beehive and firehose?"
Luke: "Those are my code names for my butt and penis."
Me: "But why legendary?"
Luke: "I leveled up."
[Scene: Luke, age 7, has just gotten off a roller coaster ride at an amusement park]
Luke: [incredulously] "That's it? That's the whole ride?"
Luke: "How long was that? Was it even a minute?"
Me: "I don't think so."
Luke: "Let's time the next one."
[ -- : We stop and watch the roller coaster, timing one trip from start to finish]
Me: "40 seconds."
Luke: "40 seconds?! That's it? I waited a half an hour in line for a 40 second ride? That's like spending two thousand dollars on a piece of gum! Geez!"
Being a nuisance and being a bully are two different things. I’m just a...– Luke, age 7, talking about how he treats his little sister
Both my kids sing and talk to themselves while sitting in the toilet. Just now, as they are each in separate bathrooms — which are several rooms apart, and with the doors shut — they both shouted “Yee-Haw!” at exactly the same time. My kids are weird.
Me: "It's raining again. Hmm. It's been raining on and off a lot today."
Luke: [age 7] "Yeah. I think God is just playing with the power button. He can't make up his mind about how much water we need right now."
Parenting and standards
I’ve been wondering something for awhile. When I’m irritable, I have a long list of possible excuses: I’m tired. My back hurts. I have a headache. Work was hard. I’m still reeling from that thing somebody said. I didn’t sleep well. I’m hungry. I have a stomach ache. I just remembered that important thing I should have remembered earlier but now it’s too...
Luke: [age 7] "You know my friend [C...] at school? Today he made a noise and I said he sounded like a constipated chicken."
Me: "Oh? What's a constipated chicken sound like?"
Luke: "I don't know. Maybe BOK BOK BOK I GOTTA GO! -- or SQUAWK BOK BOK HELP ME SOMEBODY! WHERES THE BOK BOK BOK BATHROOM! Like that."
Beth: [age 3, while outdoors] "Look at my shadow, Daddy!"
Me: "Wow. That's a big shadow."
Beth: "Did you know I am as big as my shadow?"
Me: "You are?"
Beth: "Yes! Did you know I /am/ my shadow? Did you know my shadow is the real me and my body is the real shadow?"
Me: "That sounds interesting. What does it mean?"
Beth: "It means: stop stepping on me, I'm trying to walk here."
Oh for Pete's sake!
Luke: [age 7] "Some people swear by saying, 'Oh for Pete's sake!' But who is Pete? I don't know. Is it their dad? It would be weird swearing by your dad. But once upon a time there must have been some guy named Pete who somebody was talking about."
Beth: [age 3] "You know what wishes are, Daddy? Wishes are just dreams that you want to happen while you're awake."
Really? It's been a year?
Yes: it has been one year since I launched this blog. I was very unsure about it at first. But, I’d been writing down the stories and sharing them with friends, and they were like “Hey you gotta publish these!” and I was like “Look I started a Tumblr!” and they were like “We meant a book, fool.” I’m still thinking about the book idea. In any...
Beth: [age 3] "Luke, you're the Rainbow King and I'm the Rainbow Princess. Let's fight! I'm shooting rainbow bombs up in the sky at you!" [waves hands at the sky]
Luke: [age 7] "I'm not the Rainbow King. I'm the Fire King. I shoot balls of fire out of my hands."
Beth: "Maybe you're the Fire Rainbow King."
Luke: "Oh yeah! Fire that comes in different colors! I like it! Boom boom boom!" [points hands at Beth]
Beth: "But my rainbows can beat your fire."
Luke: "We'll see about that."
Clouds are made of gas
Luke: [age 7] "Clouds are made of gas, right?"
Me: "Well, water vapor... I don't think it's quite a gas."
Luke: "I mean gas like out of your butt. Are clouds the gas of God?"
Luke: "Are clouds the farts of God? Wait, no, that can't be right. Clouds are white. Farts should be brown."
Me: "Brown clouds would be really gross."
Luke: "Or maybe God has special gas. He's God, you know."
Zipper on my butt
Luke: [age 7] "Dad, there's something wrong with these pants. There's no zipper!"
Me: "Hmm. Looks like you've got them on backwards."
Luke: "Backwards? How could I have them on backwards? There was no tag in the back."
Me: "Yeah, but they're pants. You should look for the zipper so it can be in the front. Turn around." [Luke turns around; I zip up and down the zipper which is now on his butt] "See? It's backwards."
Luke: [giggling] "No way! Let me see." [cranes his neck trying to look at his own butt, turning around in a circle like a dog chasing his tail]
Me: "You won't see it that way. Go look in the mirror."
: [Luke leaves the room giggling to look in the mirror. A minute later I hear a loud thud, and I run to check. Luke is lying on the floor, laughing hysterically]
Me: "What happened?"
Luke: "I kept turning around and around trying to look at my own butt, and I got so dizzy I fell over!"
Me: "All this because you put your pants on backwards?"
Luke: "Yeah! And I've got a zipper on my butt! This is AWESOME!"
Luke: [age 7] "Romantic movies? Yuck. I hate romance. Romance is POOP."
Fairies don't fart
Beth: [age 3] "My hands are magic. I can do magic things with them."
Luke: [age 7] "Oh yeah? Is your butt magic too? Do you have magic pixie dust farts?"
Beth: "No, Luke. Fairies don't fart."
Luke: "Do you pee rainbows? Do you poop rose petals?"
Beth: "No! None of that! Fairies don't do any of that! And if you don't stop it, I'm going to kick you with my magic foot!"
Luke: [age 7] "So what if my clothes are covered in dirt? If you're not dirty, you're not having fun. That's the rule. This should be a saying if it's not already."
Re: Taylor Swift
mywildloves replied to your chat: Taylor Swift Your 7 year old used the phrase “marketing package”? Oh boy youre in trouble. He’s too smart. Yeah, he uses that phrase. And I am definitely in trouble. I’m pretty sure he is smarter than me. But I’m glad he understands that people and things are marketed.
Luke: [age 7, pointing to a poster] "I think that's Taylor Swift."
Mom: "Who is Taylor Swift?"
Luke: "She's kind of like Hannah Montana, but with less of a marketing package, and she can sing better."
Mom: "I probably shouldn't ask who Hannah Montana is."
Luke: "Oh, Mom."
Luke: [age 7] "Did you know I'm a butt translator?"
Me: "What's a butt translator?"
Luke: "It means I can turn any word you say into a butt. Seriously. Anything. Just say something."
Me: "I need more coffee."
Luke: "You mean, 'I need more BUTTS!' See?"
Me: "Hmm. I don't know if this is a marketable skill."
Luke: "You mean, 'I don't know if this is a BUTT!' See? Works every time. I'm famous for it at school."
Big thanks to A Blogger and a Father
Today, this very blog got profiled on A Blogger and a Father: …a visit to And I’m the Dad is always an escapist’s heaven. The blog is mostly a collection of stuff the writer’s kids say, and each blog post is more brilliant than the previous one. Also, each post is a learning experience for the reader. Learning experiences? Escapism? Brilliance? Now that’s a bit...
Walking on a sunbeam
Beth: [age 3, tiptoeing lightly across the floor] "I'm walking on a sunbeam, Daddy. I'm a princess of light."
Me: "But it's cloudy, sweetheart. There's no sunlight today."
Beth: "Oh, Daddy. There's always a sunbeam, even if I have to make it myself."
I am good
Beth: [age 3] "I am good. I am a good princess. My magic tells me so. My magic is inside me telling me to be good and nice, so I am. That's all. That's what I am."
Grandma: "Hmm. I think it is God in you that is good, not magic."
Beth: "God and magic are the same thing."