April 2012
31 posts
21 tags
“You take the guns. I’ll take the bunnies.”
– Beth, age 3, enlisting my help in carrying toys upstairs
15 tags
“The great thing about good memories is that they taste good in your mind.”
– Luke, age 7
3 tags
This blog temporarily out of service.
No posts lately. Everyone in the house got slammed with the same fever/ache/cough a couple of nights ago. Plus I have to work overtime on something urgent. There’s nothing quite like working until midnight and then getting up five times before 6am to tend to sick kids. Oh, what a feeling. I could fall over. I’m sick too. Hmm. Am I whining?
26 tags
The Sex Talk
I’m having The Sex Talk with Luke today. It is definitely due. My wife and I have already decided a few points:
Boys should hear about sex from their dads, and girls should hear it from their moms. I don’t think this is sexist; rather, it’s about presenting a good role model. Alternatively, both parents should be present. Either way, the information should be the same, and...
20 tags
Sugar and spice
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is sitting across the room as her mother is working on something]
Beth: "Mommy, I love you a whole lot. You're the best mommy in the world."
Mom: "Aww, I love you too. You're so sweet! I think you're made out of sugar and butter with just a little bit of spice."
Beth: "Wow, you can smell me all the way over there?"
10 tags
Beehive and firehose
Me: "It's pretty late. You're going to have a bath, but you're just going to play a little in the water and then we'll only wash your privates."
Luke: [age 7] "Privates? You mean my legendary beehive and legendary firehose?"
Me: "Beehive and firehose?"
Luke: "Those are my code names for my butt and penis."
Me: "But why legendary?"
Luke: "I leveled up."
7 tags
Roller coaster
[Scene: Luke, age 7, has just gotten off a roller coaster ride at an amusement park]
Luke: [incredulously] "That's it? That's the whole ride?"
Me: "Yes."
Luke: "How long was that? Was it even a minute?"
Me: "I don't think so."
Luke: "Let's time the next one."
[ -- : We stop and watch the roller coaster, timing one trip from start to finish]
Me: "40 seconds."
Luke: "40 seconds?! That's it? I waited a half an hour in line for a 40 second ride? That's like spending two thousand dollars on a piece of gum! Geez!"
8 tags
“Being a nuisance and being a bully are two different things. I’m just a...”
– Luke, age 7, talking about how he treats his little sister
7 tags
Yee-haw!
Both my kids sing and talk to themselves while sitting in the toilet. Just now, as they are each in separate bathrooms — which are several rooms apart, and with the doors shut — they both shouted “Yee-Haw!” at exactly the same time.
My kids are weird.
19 tags
Power button
Me: "It's raining again. Hmm. It's been raining on and off a lot today."
Luke: [age 7] "Yeah. I think God is just playing with the power button. He can't make up his mind about how much water we need right now."
7 tags
Parenting and standards
I’ve been wondering something for awhile.
When I’m irritable, I have a long list of possible excuses: I’m tired. My back hurts. I have a headache. Work was hard. I’m still reeling from that thing somebody said. I didn’t sleep well. I’m hungry. I have a stomach ache. I just remembered that important thing I should have remembered earlier but now it’s too...
21 tags
Constipated chicken
Luke: [age 7] "You know my friend [C...] at school? Today he made a noise and I said he sounded like a constipated chicken."
Me: "Oh? What's a constipated chicken sound like?"
Luke: "I don't know. Maybe BOK BOK BOK I GOTTA GO! -- or SQUAWK BOK BOK HELP ME SOMEBODY! WHERES THE BOK BOK BOK BATHROOM! Like that."
19 tags
Shadows
Beth: [age 3, while outdoors] "Look at my shadow, Daddy!"
Me: "Wow. That's a big shadow."
Beth: "Did you know I am as big as my shadow?"
Me: "You are?"
Beth: "Yes! Did you know I /am/ my shadow? Did you know my shadow is the real me and my body is the real shadow?"
Me: "That sounds interesting. What does it mean?"
Beth: "It means: stop stepping on me, I'm trying to walk here."
18 tags
Oh for Pete's sake!
Luke: [age 7] "Some people swear by saying, 'Oh for Pete's sake!' But who is Pete? I don't know. Is it their dad? It would be weird swearing by your dad. But once upon a time there must have been some guy named Pete who somebody was talking about."
20 tags
Wishes
Beth: [age 3] "You know what wishes are, Daddy? Wishes are just dreams that you want to happen while you're awake."
17 tags
Really? It's been a year?
Yes: it has been one year since I launched this blog.
I was very unsure about it at first. But, I’d been writing down the stories and sharing them with friends, and they were like “Hey you gotta publish these!” and I was like “Look I started a Tumblr!” and they were like “We meant a book, fool.”
I’m still thinking about the book idea.
In any...
25 tags
Rainbow king
Beth: [age 3] "Luke, you're the Rainbow King and I'm the Rainbow Princess. Let's fight! I'm shooting rainbow bombs up in the sky at you!" [waves hands at the sky]
Luke: [age 7] "I'm not the Rainbow King. I'm the Fire King. I shoot balls of fire out of my hands."
Beth: "Maybe you're the Fire Rainbow King."
Luke: "Oh yeah! Fire that comes in different colors! I like it! Boom boom boom!" [points hands at Beth]
Beth: "But my rainbows can beat your fire."
Luke: "We'll see about that."
22 tags
28 tags
Clouds are made of gas
Luke: [age 7] "Clouds are made of gas, right?"
Me: "Well, water vapor... I don't think it's quite a gas."
Luke: "I mean gas like out of your butt. Are clouds the gas of God?"
Me: "What?"
Luke: "Are clouds the farts of God? Wait, no, that can't be right. Clouds are white. Farts should be brown."
Me: "Brown clouds would be really gross."
Luke: "Or maybe God has special gas. He's God, you know."
22 tags
Zipper on my butt
Luke: [age 7] "Dad, there's something wrong with these pants. There's no zipper!"
Me: "Hmm. Looks like you've got them on backwards."
Luke: "Backwards? How could I have them on backwards? There was no tag in the back."
Me: "Yeah, but they're pants. You should look for the zipper so it can be in the front. Turn around." [Luke turns around; I zip up and down the zipper which is now on his butt] "See? It's backwards."
Luke: [giggling] "No way! Let me see." [cranes his neck trying to look at his own butt, turning around in a circle like a dog chasing his tail]
Me: "You won't see it that way. Go look in the mirror."
: [Luke leaves the room giggling to look in the mirror. A minute later I hear a loud thud, and I run to check. Luke is lying on the floor, laughing hysterically]
Me: "What happened?"
Luke: "I kept turning around and around trying to look at my own butt, and I got so dizzy I fell over!"
Me: "All this because you put your pants on backwards?"
Luke: "Yeah! And I've got a zipper on my butt! This is AWESOME!"
6 tags
19 tags
Romance
Luke: [age 7] "Romantic movies? Yuck. I hate romance. Romance is POOP."
16 tags
25 tags
Fairies don't fart
Beth: [age 3] "My hands are magic. I can do magic things with them."
Luke: [age 7] "Oh yeah? Is your butt magic too? Do you have magic pixie dust farts?"
Beth: "No, Luke. Fairies don't fart."
Luke: "Do you pee rainbows? Do you poop rose petals?"
Beth: "No! None of that! Fairies don't do any of that! And if you don't stop it, I'm going to kick you with my magic foot!"
21 tags
Dirty
Luke: [age 7] "So what if my clothes are covered in dirt? If you're not dirty, you're not having fun. That's the rule. This should be a saying if it's not already."
6 tags
Re: Taylor Swift
mywildloves replied to your chat: Taylor Swift
Your 7 year old used the phrase “marketing package”? Oh boy youre in trouble. He’s too smart.
Yeah, he uses that phrase. And I am definitely in trouble. I’m pretty sure he is smarter than me. But I’m glad he understands that people and things are marketed.
24 tags
Taylor Swift
Luke: [age 7, pointing to a poster] "I think that's Taylor Swift."
Mom: "Who is Taylor Swift?"
Luke: "She's kind of like Hannah Montana, but with less of a marketing package, and she can sing better."
Mom: "I probably shouldn't ask who Hannah Montana is."
Luke: "Oh, Mom."
22 tags
Butt translator
Luke: [age 7] "Did you know I'm a butt translator?"
Me: "What's a butt translator?"
Luke: "It means I can turn any word you say into a butt. Seriously. Anything. Just say something."
Me: "I need more coffee."
Luke: "You mean, 'I need more BUTTS!' See?"
Me: "Hmm. I don't know if this is a marketable skill."
Luke: "You mean, 'I don't know if this is a BUTT!' See? Works every time. I'm famous for it at school."
8 tags
Big thanks to A Blogger and a Father
Today, this very blog got profiled on A Blogger and a Father:
…a visit to And I’m the Dad is always an escapist’s heaven. The blog is mostly a collection of stuff the writer’s kids say, and each blog post is more brilliant than the previous one. Also, each post is a learning experience for the reader.
Learning experiences? Escapism? Brilliance? Now that’s a bit...
16 tags
Walking on a sunbeam
Beth: [age 3, tiptoeing lightly across the floor] "I'm walking on a sunbeam, Daddy. I'm a princess of light."
Me: "But it's cloudy, sweetheart. There's no sunlight today."
Beth: "Oh, Daddy. There's always a sunbeam, even if I have to make it myself."
20 tags
I am good
Beth: [age 3] "I am good. I am a good princess. My magic tells me so. My magic is inside me telling me to be good and nice, so I am. That's all. That's what I am."
Grandma: "Hmm. I think it is God in you that is good, not magic."
Beth: "God and magic are the same thing."
