Good morning NYC!
[Scene: Luke, age 6, has spilled a full bowl of cold cereal onto his lap while only wearing a pair of boxers]
Me: [helping clean up] "I bet that was cold."
Luke: "Oh yeah. When that hit my crotch, it was all like GOOD MORNING NEW YORK CITY!!!"
My throat hurts
Beth: [age 3] "Daddy, my throat hurts."
Me: "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Why does it hurt?"
Beth: "Because my tummy hurts."
Me: "Your tummy hurts?! Why does your tummy hurt?"
Beth: "Because my leg hurts!"
Me: "Now your leg too! Why does that hurt?"
Beth: "Uh... I don't remember."
Me: "I'll be right back."
Luke: [age 6] "Where are you going?"
Me: "I'm going to meet the UPS truck out front."
Luke: "Can I come?"
Me: "No, just wait here."
Luke: "I want to come. Why can't I?"
Me: "Because you're wearing only a pair of underwear, and carrying a sword."
Luke: "So what?"
Beth, age 3, often talks quietly to herself while playing. Today as she was running at top speed around the house, chasing her 6-year-old brother, I happened to hear her as she went by me, saying over and over to herself: “I’m fast. I’m speedy. I’m ZOOMING. I’m fast. I’m speedy. I’m ZOOMING.”
Maybe it's both
Luke: [age 6] "So, I have a question. When you eat soup, does it come out of your body as pee, or poop? Because it's got the liquid part that would come out as pee, but it's also got the food parts that are more like poop, so I don't know. Maybe it's both. You can't tell."
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is sitting on the sofa with a toy]
Mom: "What are you doing?"
Beth: "I'm fishing."
Mom: "Really? That looks more like a telephone."
Beth: "It's a fishing telephone pole."
Mom: "Can you catch fish with it?"
Beth: "Yes. I drop Mr. Squishy-Squishy in the water --" [drops the phone base over the side of the sofa while holding its receiver] "-- and then I call the fish -- " [talks into receiver]" -- Come here, fish! And that's how I catch them."
Monster that eats flowers
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is playing with a neighbor boy, also 3]
Boy: [to me] "You look like a monster!"
Me: "But I'm a nice monster, right?"
Boy: "You're a monster that eats flowers."
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is arguing with Luke, age 6]
Beth: "You are such a... a... hippie!"
Luke: "Do you even know what a hippie is?"
Luke: "It's a person who lived a long, long time ago and wore a weird style of clothes and did crazy things."
[note] Thanks everyone!
Between Tumblr, Facebook, and Twitter, we’re up to 90 followers. Wow. Hello World! and thanks to everyone who is following along. If you have any questions for Luke or Beth, ask away. What would you like to know?
Luke: [age 6] "You know what would be a weird video game on the Wii? A shower game. You would have to reach up with the controller to adjust the shower head, then turn the water on, and pull the little plug, then you'd have to put shampoo on your hand and scrub your head, then wash your body with the washcloth. And you'd have to pull back the shower curtain, and then dry yourself off. That would just be strange, rubbing the controller all around your body."
Loud is for boys
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is in the car with me when I turn on some music]
Beth: "Daddy! That's too loud!"
Me: [turns volume down] "I'm sorry, sweetheart. Did that hurt your ears?"
Beth: "I don't like it. Loud is for boys."
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is holding two magic wands that have magnets in them]
Beth: "Look at this!" [makes magnets attract]
Me: "That's cool! The magnets stick together."
Beth: "Oh, Daddy. Not MAGNETS. It's MAGIC!"
The Oatmeal on Parenthood and Sleep →
I don’t know if you follow hilarious (and often crude) comic drawings from The Oatmeal, but yeah, I understand where he’s coming from on this one.
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is holding a toy and pointing it across the room at her 6-year-old brother, Luke]
Me: "What are you doing?"
Beth: "I'm remoting Luke."
Me: "Remoting? Is that a remote control?"
Beth: "Yes. I push this button and I can remote Luke." [demonstrates button]
Me: "I may need to borrow that sometime. What happens when you push the button?"
Beth: "I can make Luke talk like a robot."
Me: "Hmm. Does your remote do anything else?"
Beth: "Well, I can push this button, and this button, and this button."
Me: "What do those buttons do?"
Beth: "They all make him talk like a robot."
Me: "Do you have one that makes him do anything else?"
Beth: "No. I have to buy a new remote for that."
Luke: [age 6] "What?"
Mom: "You heard me. I know your ears work just fine."
Luke: "Well... my ears work when I want them to, and they don't work when I don't want them to."
Butt variety pack
[Scene: Luke, age 6, has just passed a lot of gas]
Me: "Hey. Cut that out."
Luke: "That's my thunder butt."
Me: "Well, you should say 'excuse me' after you do that."
Luke: "I also have a lightning butt. It shoots bolts of electricity."
Me: "What? How many butts do you have?"
Luke: "I got the butt variety pack."
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is talking about a bunch of people he encountered]
Luke: "They were doing teriyaki."
Me: "They were what?"
Luke: "Teriyaki! You know."
Me: "They were eating Japanese food?"
Luke: "No, they were singing!"
Me: "You mean karaoke?"
Luke: "Yeah, that's it."
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is not standing still]
Me: "Do you have to go to the bathroom? You're dancing around a little."
Luke: "No. I just feel like dancing."
Video: Another Baseball-Catching Dad: a guy catches a foul ball in one hand while holding his baby in the other hand. Nice job.
Luke: [age 6] "If today was your last day to be alive, you know what would be awesome? To go up in a hot air balloon, and then die in the balloon by getting struck by lightning. That would be legendary."
Let’s read something else
We were recently reminscing how Beth, at age 2, asked us to read everything to her. She would hold up anything with writing on it and say “Read!” — at home, in waiting rooms, anywhere. One time, she found a medical journal and opened it to an article on penile lesions, complete with several graphic close-up photographs of male genitalia in states of obvious pain. She shouted, “Read! Read!” ...
Down my underwear
[Scene: Luke, age 6, appears to be holding something behind his back]
Luke: "Which hand is it in?"
Me: "Hmm... left hand?"
Me: "Well, it must be the right hand."
Me: "It's in both hands?"
Luke: "No. Do you give up?"
Me: "I give up."
Luke: "I stuffed it down my underwear. It's touching my butt!"
Big ball of words
Luke: [age 6] "You know when everybody in the room is talking at once, and it's hard to hear anything? It's like all the words are smashing into each other in the middle of the room into a big ball of words, and it gets bigger and bigger and louder and louder, until it blows up and some of the words go flying over here and other words go over there, and I can't tell if the words I'm getting are the ones I'm supposed to be getting. That's what it's like."
Luke: [age 6, while watching a video of himself at age 2] "Dad... your hair was a lot darker then. What happened?"
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is looking at an advertisement]
Luke: "What's this?"
Luke: "Karaoke? What is it?"
Mom: "It's something people do for fun. They play a song on a stereo and then the person has to sing the words. Usually they sing it very badly."
Luke: "Singing badly? Hey, I can do THAT! Can I go?"
What's cool about me
Beth: [age 3] “You know what’s cool about me? I like to PLAY!”
Birds are smarter than people
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is studying a large bush with red berries]
Luke: "Can you eat these?"
Mom: "No. They will make you very sick. Look, even the birds aren't eating the berries. Remember: if you're out in the woods and you see a bush full of berries that even the birds don't eat, you definitely want to stay away. You'll know its bad."
Luke: "So birds are smarter than people?"
Me: "Yeah, at least when it comes to berries."
Luke: "You know what would be cool? If someone invented a robot bird that would know what was good or bad, and could help blind people pick berries."
Did you poop?
[Scene: Beth, at age 2, was not out of diapers yet, and we had conversations like this all the time]
Me: “Did you poop?”
Me: “Well, who put this poop in your diaper?”
Beth: (pointing to me) “Daddy!”
Was that cute too?
[Scene: Luke, age 6, did something nice for his sister Beth, age 3]
Me: “That was really cute, Luke.”
Luke: [turning around and passing gas in my direction] “Was that cute too?”
Ride a roller coaster
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is waiting for a bus]
Luke: “Tomorrow, I don’t want to ride the bus.”
Me: “Is something wrong? Do you want me to drive you?”
Luke: “No, I mean, I want to ride a roller coaster to school. You know, with loops and spins and waving our hands in the air. That would be much more fun.”
Me: “What if it’s raining?”
Luke: “Then you can drive me.”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, in the midst of arguing with me]
Luke: “Why not?”
Me: “Isn’t it good enough that I said so?”
Luke: “No.” Me: “Why not?” Luke: (pausing) “Not fair!”
Beth, age 3, woke up this morning and began yelling for me as if something was wrong. I ran to her room, and the moment I entered, she stopped yelling “Daddy!” and started yelling “I want WAFFLES!” The girl knows what she wants.
Was your head the same shape?
Luke: [age 6] “Dad, when you were a kid, was your head the same shape?”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, has just done something really cute in the presence of his sister Beth, age 2]
Mom: “That’s really cute, Luke.”
Mom: “You are cute too, Beth.”
Mom: “You’re not cute?”
Beth: “No, I’m CUTER!”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, and I are watching 80’s Transformers cartoons]
Luke: “So Transformers were around when you were a kid?”
Luke: “I thought everything was still in black and white back then.”