Robbed a bank
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is eating dinner]
Me: “So what did you do today?”
Me: “Really? You stared at the wall all day?”
Luke: “No... we robbed a bank.”
Me: “Wow! Where’s all the money?”
Luke: “We didn’t steal any money.”
Me: “Then what did you steal?”
Video: MIT Researcher Records His Son’s Every Word Some folks have asked if And I’m The Dad will ever feature audio or video recordings of my kids saying the things they do. I doubt it. They’re not staged. I would have to record them 24 hours a day, and then spend the next day sifting through the recording to see if they said anything cute. It sounds like fun, yeah, if I had the...
Do what I want with it
[Scene: Luke, age 6, has just entered the kitchen for breakfast]
Luke: "Look, Dad!"
Me: "Oh please. Pull up your pants."
Luke: "It's my penis. I can do what I want with it."
Me: "That is not true."
Luke: "Whaddya mean? It _is_ mine."
Me: "Yeah, but like every other part of your body, there are good things and bad things you can do with it. In this case, showing your penis to everyone is bad. It's obscene."
Luke: "But the dog walks around with his penis hanging out."
Me: "The dog does not wear pants."
Luke: "He could."
Me: "Pull up your pants now before you get into trouble."
Swords and lipstick
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is waving a toy sword at me]
Beth: "You'd better look out, Dad!"
Me: "Hey, watch it with that sword. Don't hurt anybody!"
Beth: [opens other hand to reveal toy makeup] "Look, I have lipstick in this hand!"
Me: "Whoa! Sword in one hand, lipstick in the other?"
Beth: "Yep. That's how it's gonna be today. DANGEROUS!"
Luke: [age 6] “Artificial cheese? Is that from a robot cow?”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is waiting for a bus]
Luke: “Dad, did you know there was a bird called the blue-footed booby?”
Luke: “Why did they name a bird after women’s breasts? Breasts don’t have feet.”
Me: “I don’t know.”
Luke: “Or are breasts named after the bird? Like, 'Look, I’ve got two birds on my chest!'”
Me: “Look! Here comes the bus.”
Ham Sandwich or something
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is playing with Star Wars characters]
Luke: “Dad, what was the name of Jabba the Hutt’s head guy? Ham Sandwich or something?”
Me: “You mean Bib Fortuna?”
Luke: “Yeah, yeah, that guy.”
Is it tomorrow yet?
[Scene: Beth, age 3, just woke up and is sitting on my lap with a stuffed bunny]
Beth: "Daddy, is it tomorrow yet?"
Me: "Yes, you could say it's tomorrow."
Beth: "Today is tomorrow?"
Me: "No, today is today. But it's what we called tomorrow, yesterday."
Beth: [thinking] "So it's today today, not tomorrow?"
Grandpa: [laughing] "Today is today. Yesterday, we called today tomorrow."
Me: "And tomorrow we'll call today, yesterday."
Beth: [picks up stuffed bunny and talks softly to it] "This does not make any sense."
Beth: [age 3, at dinner] “Daddy, please. No broccoli. Just cake!”
Question: Time-Traveling Paleontologists?
Last year, with my help on the spelling, Luke wrote a letter to President Obama to suggest that the government should build time machines so we could send paleontologists back to study real dinosaurs. Luke helpfully drew pictures of people and dinosaurs on the back of the letter to make sure his point was clear. We have not received a response yet. Should we write again? Is there somebody else to...
[Scene: Luke, age 6, has recently gotten out of the bathtub]
Luke: “Let’s fight.” [tosses me a toy lightsaber]
Me: “Don’t you think you should put on some clothes?”
Luke: “No way... I’m the Naked Jedi!”
Luke: [age 6] “Why don’t they make army tanks in pink?”
In the magoonzie!
[Scene: Luke, age 6, and Beth, age 3, are playing]
Beth: "I'm going to hit you in the magoonzie!"
Me: "The what?"
Beth: "The magoonzie!"
Me: "What's a magoonzie?"
Luke: "She means your boom-boom."
Me: "That doesn't clear it up at all."
Luke: "It's your BUTT!!!"
Beth: "You gotta know this stuff, Dad."
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is looking over my shoulder while I'm working]
Luke: [pointing] "How do you say that word?"
Luke: "What does that mean?"
Me: "It's one way of describing what kind of person you are. Your gender is 'boy'. So is mine. But your sister and Mom are 'girl'."
Luke: "Like when they say 'mankind'. Or they could say 'girlkind'. But then maybe they should say 'boykind' instead."
Me: "Or just 'people'."
Luke: "Yeah. But not including the dog. His gender is just 'boy.'"
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is looking out the window as we're driving on a Sunday morning]
Luke: “Dad, is that a _Baptist_ church?”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Luke: “I could tell, because the parking lot is full of old people.”
Ask the blessing
[Scene: Luke, age 5, sits down to dinner with us]
Me: “Luke, would you ask the blessing?”
Luke: [bowing head, holding hands] “Dear God, please don’t let this food make us sick. Amen.”
Think for myself
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is arguing with me after his bath]
Me: [approaching exhasperation] "Look, I asked you to stand still so I can dry you off, and you're doing everything except stand still. Can you just do what I'm asking?!"
Luke: [defiantly] "But I'm the boss of me!"
Me: "No, you're not. Not right now."
Luke: "Then why did God give me a brain, huh? What is the point of being able to think for myself if I have to keep doing things that other people tell me? I might as well be a machine!"
Me: "You have to listen to what Mom and I tell you because we're trying to teach you the right ways to do things. You're still learning how to think."
Luke: "Yeah? Well, all I'm learning is how to act like a robot!"
IN MY MOUTH!
[Scene: Beth, age 2, notices something in the kitchen]
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Beth: “I need cake.”
Me: “Maybe after dinner.”
Beth: “No, daddy. I need cake IN MY MOUTH!”
[Scene: Beth, age 2, has a fistful of paper scraps]
Me: “What are you going to do with it?”
Beth: “Spend it!”
Me: “Really? What are you going to buy?”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is making a lot of noise while playing]
Me: “Please quiet down. You’re being too loud.”
Luke: “It would be easier if you just put in earplugs.”
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is eating a banana for a snack]
Luke: “You know who else likes bananas? Monkeys.”
Me: “Yes, but do bananas like monkeys?”
Luke: “I don’t think so.”
Me: “Why not?”
Luke: “Monkeys eat bananas. They can’t get away. Except for the robot bananas. They grow little robot legs and -- bzooop! -- and run away really fast. And they have lasers.”
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is drawing with crayons]
Luke: “Dad, what should I draw?”
Me: (jokingly) “How about a unicorn chasing a butterfly through a field of flowers?”
Luke: “Okay, but only if the unicorn is shooting missiles at the butterfly.”
Up to my hips
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is helping me with laundry]
Me: “What are you doing?!”
Luke: “Trying this on.”
Me: “I do not think your sister’s dress will fit you.”
Luke: “It got up to my hips.”
Luke: “Dad, look out, I have LASER ARMPITS!!!”
Missed the shot
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is playing basketball with me]
Luke: "It's not your fault you missed the shot, Dad... I used the Force."
Watch ant traps
[Scene: Luke, age 6, greets me at the door as I return from shopping]
Luke: “Did you buy a movie?”
Me: “No, these are ant traps.”
Luke: “Ant traps? Who wants to watch ant traps?!”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, puts a Bee Gees CD in the stereo]
Grandpa: “Every time I hear this, I’m reminded of John Travolta.”
Luke: “Who is John Travolta?”
Grandpa: “God bless you, child!”
That's my specialty
[Scene: Luke, age 6, and Beth, age 3, are playing]
Beth: "You did it again."
Luke: "Did what?"
Beth: "You're singing that song: 'I never change my mind, yes I do, yes I do, I always change my mind, no I don't'."
Luke: "Oh yeah. That's my specialty."
Candy for what?
[Scene: Beth, age 3, just received a piece of candy from a friend]
Beth: "I got a Tootsie Roll."
Me: "Wow, that's great. What did you get it for?"
Beth: "Oh Daddy. It's for putting in my mouth!"
Just kid stuff
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is sitting on his bed when I enter]
Me: “Hey, buddy, what are you doing?”
Luke: “Just kid stuff.”
Me: “Oh? What kind of stuff?”
Luke: “Like getting in trouble.”
Me: “Umm... did you do something that would get you in trouble?”
Flavored ice cream
Luke: “You know what would be gross? Sweat-flavored ice cream. That would be really gross. I would rather eat broccoli-flavored ice cream than that.”
Why do we have news?
[Scene: Luke, age 6, had recently watched television with a relative]
Luke: "Dad, why do we have news?"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Luke: "Why do we have news on the TV? Like, why does anyone watch it? Why do they make it? It's always bad news. People dying, houses burning down, bad people doing bad stuff, things like that."
Me: "Well, a lot of people like hearing bad news, as long as it's not happening to them. It's kind of interesting in a way. And the news not _all_ bad, right? They report on sports and scientific discoveries, for example."
Luke: "Yeah, but why can't it be more like the newspaper? At least the newspaper has comics, and talks about things going on around town. You know, stuff kids might like."
Me: "It's a different way of communicating. All the words in the paper can't fit onto the television, at least not in the same way. The same TV channel that has news probably also has comics, just not at the same time."
Luke: "Whatever. I just think TV news is stupid."
I love hearing kids laughing hysterically. Babies are especially cute. These two aren’t my kids but they’re still awesome.
[Scene: Beth, age 3, at breakfast]
Me: "Yes, sweetheart?"
Beth: "I'm sorry."
Me: "What do you mean?"
Beth: "I'm really sorry."
Me: "I heard you, but I don't understand. What are you sorry for?"
Beth: "I'm not going to tell you."
Only black guy
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is playing with his Star Wars Lego toys]
Luke: “Dad, you know why I like Mace Windu? He’s the only black Lego guy I own.”
Boys have peanuts
[Scene: Beth, age 3, has recently learned something she wants to share]
Beth: "Girls are different from boys."
Mom: "That's true in a lot of ways."
Beth: "Boys have peanuts. Girls don't."
Mom: "What do girls have?"
Beth: "Girls have a uretus!"
Mom: "Do you mean a uterus?"
Beth: "Yeah, that."
Mom: "Do you remember what that is?"
Beth: "Not really."