[Scene: Luke, age 6, is playing a game with us]
Mom: “In games like this, sometimes it’s best to just have a poker face.”
Luke: “A what?”
Mom: “Poker face. It means you just look like you’re serious and concentrating, so it’s hard for other people to guess what your next move is going to be.”
Luke: [thinking] “Can we all just smile instead?”
Luke: (age 6) “Look, I’m an alien. That means I’m not /interesting/. I’m /weird/.”
Pet polar bear
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is playing]
Luke: “I want to live at the North Pole and ride around on my pet polar bear.”
Me: “That sounds like fun, as long as it’s a nice bear.”
Luke: “I’ll have a robot polar bear. He’ll be solar powered.”
Me: “What about when the sun isn’t there? Will he hibernate?”
Luke: “No, then he’ll be powered by the dark.”
Luke: "Dad, today I want to focus on not thinking about scary things. Okay? There are too many scary things!"
Just a bad idea
Luke: (age 5) “I don’t want to go to school. Years from now, when I think about how I went to kindergarten, there’s no way I am going to think that I learned anything. It’s just a bad idea.”
Which is more fun?
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is in the bathtub]
Luke: (examining himself) “Dad, which do you think is more fun... playing Star Wars or playing with your penis?”
Me: “It’s time to get out of the tub.”
You and your dad
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is getting his hair cut at a salon]
Stylist: “I see you and your dad are both wearing Star Wars t-shirts.”
Stylist: “And you both have tan shorts.”
Luke: “Yeah. And we both have white underwear, too.”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, over dinner]
Luke: “I’m confused.”
Me: “About what?”
Luke: “About God, and life, and stuff. But I think it’s because I have only been alive for six years.”
Starts with a bunny
[Scene: Beth, age 2, is drawing with crayons]
Beth: “Daddy, draw an ‘s’.”
Me: “Okay, here’s an ‘s’.”
Beth: “No. Draw an ‘s’ that starts with a bunny.”
Me: “A bunny?”
Beth: “Yes. Draw an ‘s’ that starts with a white bunny.”
Guy with four
[Scene: Luke, age 5, while playing]
Luke: “Dad, you know that guy with four arms who Obi-Wan meets in a restaurant?”
Me: “The alien named Dex?”
Luke: “Yeah, him. Do you think he has four penises too?”
[Scene: Beth, around 24 months old, while getting a bath]
Beth: “Run. Naked.”
Me: “No, you have to wear clothes.”
Beth: “Run NAKED!”
Me: “We have to get you dressed.”
Beth: “No, Daddy! YOU run naked!!!”
Not really Mexican
[Scene: Luke, age 5, at a restaurant]
Luke: “I don’t think this is really a Mexican restaurant.”
Me: “Well, it’s a burrito place. It’s not really Mexican.”
Luke: “Yeah. There are no Mexicans working in the kitchen.”
Me: [looking into the kitchen] “That’s true.”
Luke: “No wonder the food isn’t very good.”
Smell my own butt
[Scene: Luke, age 6, getting ready for school]
Luke: "You know what would be cool? If I had a really long nose like Pinocchio, but it was flexible. Then I could smell my own butt."
How we get rain
[Scene: Luke, age 5, over dinner]
Luke: “Did you know that clouds vomit?”
Me: “What? Vomit?”
Luke: “Yeah. They get so full of water that OOOOEERGH! they puke it out. That’s how we get rain. I learned it in school.”
Me: “Your teacher said the clouds vomit?”
Luke: “Well, she explained it a *little* differently, but she said the way I explained it was good enough.”
Between my words
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is in the back seat]
Me: "Luke, you've been talking nonstop for the last 15 minutes."
Luke: "That's not true. I didn't say anything between my words!"
Luke: "Dad, you know what? It's strange to not be weird."
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is making loud rhythmic noises]
Me: “What the heck is that?”
Luke: “I’m beatboxing.”
Me: “I heard the rhythm, but what’s with the growling and snorting and fists in the air?”
Luke: “I’m a beatboxing kung fu T-rex. DUH!”
Messages in the rain
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is walking with me in the rain]
Luke: “I have to tell you a secret... I’m the one who makes it rain.”
Me: “Really? I had no idea.”
Luke: “Yeah. I send down the raindrops with little envelopes inside.”
Me: “Every raindrop has an envelope?”
Me: “What’s in the envelopes?”
Luke: “All kinds of messages.”
Me: “To who?”
Luke: “Everybody. Bugs, animals, people.”
Luke: "You know what would be a hard life, Dad? If all you could know, were only things you didn't want to know."
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is waving a magic wand]
Beth: "Abracadabra! You are now a princess."
Me: "Me? I'm a princess?"
Beth: "Yes! Abracadabra, you now have a crown!"
Me: "But I don't want to be a princess. Can I be something else, like a lion?"
Beth: "No. That's not one of the choices. You can be a princess with a crown... [thinking]... or a fairy princess... [thinking]... or a butterfly. Those are the only choices."
Me: "Can you change me back into your father?"
Beth: "That's not one of the choices."
Still a kid
[Scene: Luke, age 6, while playing]
Luke: “You’re still a kid, aren’t you.”
Me: “You mean, compared to Grandma and Grandpa?”
Luke: “No, I mean compared to me.”
[Scene: Beth, age 2, grabs my face with her hands, sighs deeply, and looks disapprovingly at me.]
Beth: (firmly) “Daddy, shave!”
[exits the room]
[Scene: Beth, age 3, upon waking up in the morning]
Beth: "Is it today, today?"
Me: "Yes, sweetheart, today is today."
Beth: "Oh. But I wanted it to be *tomorrow* when I woke up!"
Stirbatch the Superhero
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is wearing a cape]
Luke: "Dad, my superhero name is Stirbatch."
Me: "What kind of superpower does Stirbatch have?"
Luke: "I turn bad guys into cookie dough. Then you can bake them and have cookies."
Me: "Cookies? What kind, chocolate chip?"
Luke: "All kinds. Different bad guys turn into different cookie dough, obviously."
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is lying on his bed, arms outstretched, making loud jet and explosion noises]
Me: “Why all the noise?”
Luke: “I’m dropping bombs on bad-guy Muslims.”
Luke: “Uncle [...] is in Afghanistan fighting bad-guy Muslims, right?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s true.”
Luke: (stretching out his arms) “So I’m flying a jet plane, dropping bombs on them.”
Me: “Do you think all Muslims are bad?”
Luke: “No, just the bad ones.”
[Scene: Luke, age 5, is doing homework with the alphabet]
Luke: “Can you think of words that start with 'i'?”
Me: “...icicle... interest... Islam... interactive...”
Luke: “What’s Islam?”
Me: “It’s another religion.”
Luke: “You mean people who believe a different god, like the fake gods in the Bible?”
Me: “Yeah, like that.”
Luke: “How do you know that we believe the right thing? What if *they* believe in the real god and we believe in a fake god?”
Knock knock love
[Scene: for awhile, Beth, age 2, ended every knock-knock joke the same way]
Beth: “Knock knock!”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Me: “Orange who?”
Beth: “I love you!”
[Scene: Luke, age 6, after getting off the bus from school]
Luke: "Do you know Taylor Swift?"
Me: "Uh... not personally. She's some kind of musician, right?"
Luke: "Yeah. You know [B...] at school? He says he has a crush on her."
Luke: "And you know [S...]? *She* says she is in love with Justin Bieber. Do you know who he is?"
Me: "Another musician."
Luke: "I don't get all the crushes and love stuff. I wish Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift would get married, just to annoy everybody else."
Luke: "I'd rather sleep on top of the car in a hailstorm than learn any more math."
[Scene: Beth, age 2, pointing at the image on my t-shirt]
Beth: “Is that Jesus?”
Me: “No, that’s the Mario Brothers.”
Beth: “Mario Brothers are Jesus?”
Me: “I hope not.”
[Scene: Luke, age 5, coming out of the bathroom]
Me: “Where are your pants?”
Luke: “Look at my butt.”
Luke: “I sat on the toilet so long, I got giant rings on my butt cheeks.”
Me: “I see.”
Luke: “Don’t they look like giant stereo speakers?”
Luke: “But wouldn’t it be cool to HAVE stereo speakers that looked like a butt?”
Luke: “They'd be great at a party! Boom Boom Boom!”
Me: “Go find your pants.”
Big old piece of weird
Luke: “Dad, sometimes I feel like a big old piece of weird.”
Pride comes before a fall
[Scene: Luke, age 5, returning from school]
Luke: “Today somebody said, 'pride comes before a fall.'”
Me: “Do you know what that means?”
Luke: “I think it means you have to get married before you can get divorced.”
[Scene: Beth, age 3, getting out an electronic toy keyboard]
Beth: "What kind of music do you want me to play?"
Me: "Hmm. How about dance music?"
Beth: "No, I can't do that."
Me: "Okay. How about jazz?"
Beth: "No, not that."
Me: "What kinds of music can you do?"
Beth: "Princess music."
Me: "Just princess music?"
Beth: "That's all you need!"