and I’m the dad.: Archive

[Scene: Luke, age 5, at breakfast]
Mom: “So your father tells me that you got out of bed and got completely dressed all by yourself this morning, without being asked.”
Luke: “I combed my hair too.”
Mom: “That’s really amazing, you know that?”
Luke: “Yeah... I was trying to sneak out of the house before anyone noticed.”

May 23, 20114 notes

#breakfast #dressed #sneak #boys #dads #fathers #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Tomorrow

[Scene: Beth, age 2, after dinner]
Beth: “I want another piece of cake.”
Me: “No more, sweetheart. You can have more tomorrow.”
Beth: “But it’s tomorrow NOW.”

May 22, 20112 notes

#tomorrow #cake #girls #dads #fathers #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Really boring movie

[Scene: Luke, age 5, watching a movie with me]
Luke: “You know what would be a really boring movie? Have a snowman walk around his house, all alone, looking out the windows and thinking, 'I wish I were outside.' That’s it. Just the snowman, all by himself. That would be really boring.”
Me: “Yes, that does sound really boring. Have you seen a movie like that?”
Luke: “No. But this movie we are watching right now? It’s even more boring than that.”

May 21, 20111 note

#movies #boring #boys #fathers #dads #snowman #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Ice cream for lunch

[Scene: Luke, age 5, while I’m packing his lunch]
Luke: “Why don’t you ever give me ice cream in my lunch bag?”
Me: “It would melt before you could eat it.”
Luke: “You could just put a lot of ice packs in with it.”
Me: “But then there wouldn’t be room for your sandwich or veggies.”
Luke: “I’m okay with that.”

May 20, 2011

#ice cream #lunch #vegetables #boys #dads #fathers #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Burns on my butt

[Scene: Luke, age 5, over dinner.]
Me: “Looks like you got sunburn on your face.”
Luke: “Yeah? You should see the fart burns on my butt.”
Me: “Oh please.”
Luke: “Seriously! I have so much gas I might launch into the sky while I’m sleeping tonight.”
Me: “Just stop.”
Luke: “Mom’s going to be like, What’s that up by the moon?...”
Me: “Stop it. We’re in a restaurant!”
Luke: “...and you’re gonna say, Looks like Luke with his butt on fire.”
Me: (big sigh)

May 19, 20114 notes

#farts #burns #butt #boys #dads #fathers #launch #sky #moon #restaurant #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Buzzy buzz buzz

[Scene: Luke, age 5, while getting ready for school]
Me: “So when you’re done with [task], come downstairs and [other task].”
Luke: ...
Me: “Did you hear me?”
Luke: “No.”
Me: “But I’m standing right here, talking to you.”
Luke: “Yeah... but sometimes when you talk, all I hear is 'buzzy buzz buzz'.”

May 18, 20111 note

#boys #dads #fathers #buzz #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

White and black

[Scene: Luke, age 6, is coloring when he holds up one particular crayon]
Luke: “This is a good color for skin.”
Me: “At least for white people.”
Luke: “For black people, I’ll use black.”
Me: “Aren’t black people actually brown?”
Luke: “No, they’re black.”
Me: “That color you just picked is pink. Your skin is pink.”
Luke: “No, it’s white.”
Me: “No, it’s pink.”
Luke: “Then why are people called white and black?”

May 16, 20118 notes

#race #racial #skin #black #white #coloring #dads #boys #fathers #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Butterbutt

[Scene: Beth, age 2]
Beth: “Knock, knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Beth: “Butter butt.”
Me: “Butterbutt who?”
Beth: “Butterbutt YOU!”

May 15, 20111 note

#jokes #knock-knock #humor #girls #fathers #dads #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Razzmatazz

[Scene: Beth, age 2, is finishing lunch when her grandfather passes gas.]
Beth: Grandpa, you tooted!
Grandpa: No, that was you.
Beth: No, Grandpa, it was you. You're the one who tooted.
Grandpa: I wouldn't talk, Miss Thunderbritches.
Beth: I don't toot!
Grandpa: Yes, you do.
Beth: I never toot!
Me: (to Beth) So what do you call it when gas comes out of your bottom?
Beth: Oh, that's just razzmatazz!

May 14, 20112 notes

#farts #gas #passing gas #grandpa #fathers #grandfathers #dads #girls #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Girl repellant

[Scene: Luke, age 6, after coming home from school]
Me: “What’s this Ziploc bag in your backpack with squished tomatoes and old orange rinds?”
Luke: “Don’t throw those out. Those were left from lunch.”
Me: “But it’s garbage.”
Luke: “I’m not going to eat it. I have to keep those for [...].”
Me: “The girl at school? She likes these?”
Luke: “No, she thinks it’s gross. I keep those in my backpack so she stays away!”

May 13, 2011

#boys #dads #fathers #garbage #girls #kids #lunch #school #education #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Dog poop at dawn

[Scene: Luke, age 6, and Beth, age 2, playing the backyard]
Luke: "Let's make a movie called 'Dog Poop at Dawn'."
Me: "That sounds disgusting."
Luke: "And I'll be the Dog Poop Monster."
Beth: "I'll be the Dog Poop Fairy!"
Me: "I don't know what the movie is about, but maybe this would help you clean up the dog poop in the yard."
Luke: "Oh... maybe we'll just do 'Dog Toots at Twilight'."

May 12, 20111 note

#dog #movie #poop #girls #boys #fathers #dads #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

This beautiful

[Scene: Beth, age 2, during playtime]
Beth: "I'm hungry, Daddy."
Me: "Already?"
Beth: (very seriously) "It's hard to be this beautiful!"

May 11, 20112 notes

#girls #dads #fathers #beautiful #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood

Conquer

Luke: “Today, I want to conquer my brain!”

May 11, 20112 notes

#brain #conquer #boys #dads #fathers #kids #parents #parenting #parenthood #child #children #childhood #oneliner

and I’m the dad.

May 2011

31 posts