April 2011
59 posts
14 tags
Bathroom Jedi
[Scene: Luke, age 6, upon leaving the bathroom]
Luke: “It’s a good thing they never show Jedi going to the bathroom. They would be all like, ‘May the Farts be with you!’”
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Go in peace
[Scene: Beth, age 2, after breakfast]
Me: “I have to go to work now.”
Beth: “Daddy! Go in peace!”
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That's for your collection
[Scene: Beth, age 2, while playing in the yard]
Beth: "Open your hand."
Me: "Okay." (opens hand)
Beth: (puts a rock in my hand) "Hold that. That's for your collection."
Me: "Oh. Thanks."
(minute passes)
Beth: "Open your hand."
Me: (opens hand)
Beth: (puts a handful of dirt in my hand, over the rock) "That's for your collection."
Me: "Hmm."
(minute passes)
Beth: "Open your hand."
Me: (opens hand)
Beth: (puts a pair of sticks with the rock and sand) "That's for your collection."
Me: "What is this collection for?"
Beth: "For playing with, silly!"
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And then the knight died
[Scene: Luke, age 6, reading a story he wrote at school about a knight battling a dragon]
Luke: “And then the knight died.”
Me: “Wait, what? The knight died?”
Luke: “Are you paying attention? The /dragon/ is the good guy.”
Me: “That’s pretty cool.”
Luke: “Well, he’s a Jedi dragon... he only fights in self-defense, never attacking first.”
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Getting paid
[Scene: Luke, age 6, after dinner while playing with toys]
Luke: “I want to do something where I get paid.”
Me: “You get paid for your chores.”
Luke: “No, like a /real/ job.”
Me: “You mean, going to work every day?”
Luke: “Yeah. A grown-up job. It seems like only grown-ups have real jobs, but by the time they grow up, they forget how to do kid stuff.”
Me: “That’s true. What kind of job did you have in mind?”
Luke: “I want to be a lawyer.”
Me: “A lawyer?”
Luke: “Yeah, one who says, ‘All toys will be free now.’”
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Intergalactic nose picker
[Scene: Luke, age 6, holding up long, narrow Lego construction]
Luke: “It’s an intergalactic nose picker.”
Me: “What?”
Luke: “It flies up your nose. Then it shoots a laser at your boogers so they come off the snot in your head and roll out of your nose. And it has a trailer on the back with jets so it can take your boogers to the booger dump.”
13 tags
City butter
[Scene: Luke, age 6, at a restaurant]
Luke: “This water tastes funny.”
Me: “It’s city water. Tastes a little different than our water at home.”
Luke: “This must be city butter, too.”
10 tags
Languagey
[Scene: Beth, age 2, talking quietly while she plays]
Mom: "What are you saying?"
Beth: "I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to myself."
Mom: "Oh, okay. But what are the words? Are you speaking another language?"
Beth: "It's not any language. It's just languagey!"
10 tags
Acting crazy
[Scene: Beth, age 2, and Luke, age 6, while playing]
Beth: “Stop acting so crazy.”
Luke: “But I was /born/ crazy!”
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Over and over
[Scene: Luke, age 6, yelling from the bathroom]
Luke: “You don’t want to come in here. I’m making a lot of bad smells over and over.”
9 tags
Greatest toilet
After returning from a long trip, Luke ran from the car to the bathroom and shouted, “THIS IS THE GREATEST TOILET IN THE WORLD!”
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Rock collection
Luke: (pointing to stone counter) “Would a hammer crack this?”
Me: “Maybe.”
Luke: “How about a chainsaw? Would that cut it?”
Me: “It would chip, but not cut.”
Luke: “Okay. I’ve always wanted a piece of it for my rock collection.”
Me: “Go ahead.”
Luke: “Really? Where’s your hammer?”
Me: “In the garage. You can have it after you give me $2000 to replace the counter.”
Luke: (snapping fingers) “Aw shucks.”
13 tags
Tell that to my boss
Me: “I have to go to work this morning.”
Beth: “No you don’t.”
Me: “Yes, I do.”
Beth: “No, you really don’t.”
Me: “Would you tell that to my boss?”
Beth: “Sure! Can I have your phone? Is your boss named Maria?”
Me: “No, her name is [...].”
Beth: “Oh! That’s much better than Maria.”
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Black and white and red all over
Luke: “What’s black and white and red all over?”
Me: “A zebra with sunburn.”
Luke: “No.”
Me: “A nun playing paintball.”
Luke: “No!”
Me: “An Oreo dipped in ketchup?”
Luke: “NO!”
Me: “A penguin dressed as Santa?”
Luke: “Stop it, you’re ruining the joke.”
11 tags
Bad case of the huzz
Luke: "I don't want to talk to [...] right now. He has a bad case of the huzz.
Me: "The huzz?"
Luke: "You know. If you say anything to him, he gives a big HUH..." (says it with a giant sigh and a shrug) "...the huh's."
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Aliens
Beth: (singing quietly)
Me: "What are you singing about?"
Beth: "Aliens and monsters."
Me: "Aliens?"
Beth: "Yes! Do you know what aliens look like?"
Me: "Little green men?"
Beth: "No, they look like birds."
Me: "Really? What color are the alien birds?"
Beth: "I can't tell you."
Me: "Why not?"
Beth: "I don't trust you."
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The Poop Song
Luke: “Dad! It’s time to sing the Poop Song!”
Me: “The what?!”
Luke: “The Poop Song! I’ve got to poop poop poop! Poooooop! Pooooop! Poop poop poop! The end!”
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More coffee
Beth: “DADDY! DADDY!”
Me: “What, Beth?”
Beth: “You need more coffee today.”
Me: “I do?”
Beth: “Oh yes.”
13 tags
Too much Wii
Luke: "I think I'm playing too much Mario Kart [on the Wii]... When I race the other kids back to class after lunch, I keep looking up at the wall to see what place I'm in."
7 tags
Minutes
Me: "Just one more minute."
Beth: "That's not enough."
Me: "Okay. How many minutes do you want?"
Beth: "ALL the minutes!"
10 tags
Terrible Omelette
Luke: “Remember that hotel we went to with Grandpa where we had that terrible omelette?”
Me: “Yes.”
Luke: “That was the worst omelette in the world!”
Me: “It was pretty bad.”
Luke: “This one you made this morning is better than that one. But not much.”
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12 tags
What do you know?
Beth: "Look at this."
Grandpa: "Well, what do you know!"
Beth: "Nothing!"
14 tags
Name that state
According to Beth, the state between Massachusetts and Maine is called “New Hamster.”
12 tags
Movies
Luke: “Trust me: if the movie starts out bad, it’s just going to get worse.”
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Kamuka and Beepashaw
Beth: [age 2] “Kamuka!”
Me: “But what does it mean?”
Beth: “Ummm... it means beepashaw.”
Me: “Beepashaw?! What does THAT mean?”
Beth: “It means, kamuka!”
Me: (laughing)
Beth: “It’s also the name of my turtle.”
Me: “You have a turtle?”
Beth: “Yes, in the ocean!”
11 tags
Kamuka!
Beth: [age 2] “Kamuka!”
Me: “Kamuka?”
Beth: “Kamuka!”
Me: “What does that mean?”
Beth: “It means, kamuka!”
Me: “Really? That’s what it means?”
Beth: (motioning) “Come here and I will whisper it in your ear.”
Me: (leans close)
Beth: (whispering into my ear) “It means... KAMUKA!!!”
12 tags
The Nice Ceramacist
Luke: “Tell me the story about the Nice Ceramacist.”
Me: “I don’t know that one.”
Luke: “You know, the Ceramacist? And the robbers?”
Me: (blank)
Luke: “Ceramacist! Robbers! Priests!”
Me: “I have no idea what you mean.”
Luke: “It’s in the Bible, for crying out loud!”
Me: “Hmm... you mean the Good Samaritan?”
Luke: “Yeah.”
15 tags
Who's got the donuts?
Me: “Hold still.” (spits in hand, smooths down wayward hair on his head)
Luke: “Did you just fix my hair with spit?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Luke: “Oh great. My hair is going to smell like coffee. Everyone at school’s gonna be like, 'Did somebody bring coffee?' and 'Who’s got the donuts?'”
13 tags
Very very sad!
(after being disciplined, Beth went to her room and sat on the edge of her bed, talking to herself)
Beth: “I am SO sad. VERY VERY sad. You know why? Because of EVERYONE in the WHOLE UNIVERSE. My life is not my life! This makes me sad. VERY sad. SAD!”
12 tags
Check your inbox
Me: (calling out) “Luke! Luke! Where did you go?”
Luke: (from the bathroom) “I’m sitting on the toilet, sending something to your inbox!”
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Destiny
Luke: “Beth isn’t going to listen to you. It’s her DESTINY.”
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Darth Chipmunk
Luke: “If Darth Vader were a chipmunk, what would the Death Star be made out of?”
Me: “What?”
Luke: “You know, the big round space station?”
Me: “Hmm... tree bark? A giant acorn, maybe?”
Luke: “And his theme song would go like...” (makes chipmunk noises to the tune of the Imperial March)
Me: “How would you know he was a chipmunk if he was wearing a helmet and cape?”
Luke: “His tail would stick out. Duh!”
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Dinnertime
Beth: “Daddy... I like the thoughts you're thinking.”
Me: “Oh? What am I thinking?”
Beth: “You're thinking about making dinner!”
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'Yes' in French
Luke: “If ‘no’ is ‘non’ in French, then how do you say ‘yes’?”
Me: “Oui.”
Luke: “Really? Like the Nintendo?”
12 tags
Speaking French
Me: “Mom and I have been thinking that we should learn French.”
Luke: “French? Why?”
Me: “I have a lot of colleagues who speak French, and Mom works with a lot of people from French-speaking countries.”
Luke: “The first word we should learn is ‘no’.”
Beth: “No, Luke! The first word I want to learn is ‘rainbow’.”
11 tags
Peaceful place
(while hiking, we came across a small clearing)
Luke: "This is my peaceful spot."
Me: "It's very quiet."
Luke: "Yeah. People who do yoga could come back here with me and I could talk them to death."
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Patience
Luke: “Have patience?! Patience makes my head hurt!”
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Egypt
(over lunch)
Me: “Looks like the situation in Egypt is getting worse.”
Luke: “What situation?”
Me: “Well, the people who live there are angry with their president. He is not a very good leader.”
Luke: “What’s his name?”
Me: “Mubarak. Hosni Mubarak.”
Luke: “Is he mean?”
Me: “Yes, he is very mean. He won’t listen to what the people want, and he treats the people badly. So they have been having big meetings, called demonstrations, to join together in telling Mubarak that they want him to leave. And now it seems that Mubarak is hiring some people to attack and hurt the angry people.”
Luke: “Is he going to leave?”
Me: “Doesn’t seem like it.”
Luke: “Maybe Rock Obama should call him on the phone and tell him to leave.”
Me: “He did, but it’s not up to him. Mubarak has been in charge for a long, long time.”
Luke: “Well, that’s stupid. Mean people shouldn’t be in charge! He should leave!”
12 tags
Onto my face
Me: "How did you get ink on your face?"
Beth: "It was the paper."
Me: "What paper?"
Beth: "The paper I was drawing. It made the color jump right off the page onto my face."
11 tags
Do you think I’m amazing?
Beth: “Daddy, do you think I’m amazing?”
Me: “Yes, I think you’re amazing.”
Beth: “Do you think /you/ are amazing?”
Me: “Well, I try to be. What do you think?”
Beth: “Keep trying.”
11 tags
This is your last one.
Beth: (hands me a nut) “This is your last one.”
(ten seconds pass)
Beth: (hands me another) “And this is your /next/ last one.”
13 tags
Something tie-dyed
(while shopping at the store)
Luke: “I'd like to make something tie-dyed for Mom.”
Me: “Like one of these shirts?”
Luke: “Or a bra.”
15 tags
Peanut butter
Me: "You have peanut butter in your hair."
Beth: "That's the way it is with food sometimes."
Me: "Well, we'll have to wash it out."
Beth: "You should check my toes, too."
12 tags
Where am I going to pee?
(in the backyard)
Luke: "What are you doing?"
Grandpa: (with hedge trimmers) "I'm cutting down this brush."
Luke: "But then where am I going to pee?"
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Same tree, same time
I just looked out the window and saw the boy and the dog both peeing on the same tree at the same time.
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Getting cuter
Me: “Did you get cuter today?”
Beth: “Yes!”
Me: “I could eat you right up!”
Beth: (slaps me across the face) “No! No eating me up!”
Me: “Ouch! How about a kiss?”
Beth: “That’s okay.”
7 tags
Can we play a game?
Luke: “When you take a lunch break, can we play a game?”
Me: “Sure. What do you want to play? Connect 4? Triple Triumph?”
Luke: “Nah. I was thinking 'Chase Daddy Around The House With a Knife'.”
13 tags
You know what would be creepy?
Luke: “You know what would be creepy? If people shed their skins like snakes. Especially if they did it while sitting on the toilet. So you would go into the bathroom, and there would be this skin sitting there. It would be even weirder if it happened in my class.”
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