Reply to ap0calyptic
ap0calyptic replied to your chat: Get off my butt awe! not to be a creep but i read these all the time and your kids seem so cute! Not creepy. I wouldn’t share these if (a) I didn’t think they were cute, and (b) I didn’t want other people enjoying them too.
Get off my butt
[Scene: Luke, age 7, has been sitting on the steps while I clean the garage]
Luke: "Dad, maybe we should pick up those soccer balls too. They can go in the ball bag over there."
Luke: "You know, we should probably move those blocks of wood too, over there."
[stands up, starts walking over to soccer balls]
Luke: "Maybe instead of sitting here thinking up things that other people could do, I could get off my butt and do some of them myself. Duh!"
Me: [pausing in astonishment] "Whoa."
Luke: "I don't say that every day, do I."
Me: "No, but it's amazing to hear."
Luke: "Don't get used to it."
Watch a movie tonight
Mom: "I wish I could play right now, but I'm really not feeling well. I just need to rest."
Luke: [age 7; sweetly] "That's okay, Mom. Maybe we should just relax and watch a movie tonight."
Mom: "Have you already used up your TV time for today?"
Luke: "Well... yes, but you're not feeling well."
Mom: "Hmm. Are you just trying to use my tiredness to your own advantage?"
Luke: "Of course! What else did you expect?"
[Scene: Beth, age 3, has just passed gas, or "tooted" as she calls it]
Me: "Hey. What do you say after you pass gas?"
Beth: "EXCUSE ME!"
Me: "Thank you. You're excused."
Beth: "Did you know God toots?"
Me: "God? Really?"
Beth: "Yeah! He toots. He toots a LOT."
Me: "I had no idea. Does he say 'excuse me' afterwards?"
Beth: "No. He doesn't have to. He's God!"
Luke: [age 7] "Yeah, you know when God toots, because you hear thunder."
Beth: "And when he burps you see lightning!"
Luke: "And when he pees and poops, it rains and hails outside!"
Me: "Wow. I had no idea. Clearly I need to brush up on my theology and weather prediction."
Beth: "Don't worry. We can explain it to you."
Me: "Beth, come here."
Beth: [age 3; continues playing]
Me: "Beth, please come here, right now."
Me: "Right now, Beth, before you get in trouble."
Beth: "I can't come right now. I am pretending I can't hear you."
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is engaged in a mock sword battle with Luke, age 7, against me]
Beth: "Everybody needs to stop fighting right now!"
Beth: [shouting] "STOP FIGHTING NOW!!!"
[Luke and I stop]
Me: "What's wrong?"
Beth: [gestures around at the trees and sky] "It is time to stop fighting so we can look at the birds and the sunshine!"
Fairy princess warrior zombie
Me: "So, Halloween is coming up. Any idea how you want to dress up?"
Beth: [age 3] "I want to be a fairy princess."
Me: "You mean, like in a beautiful dress, with wings?"
Beth: "And a crown."
Me: "We can do that."
Beth: "And a light saber. I want to be a fairy princess warrior."
Me: "A light saber?"
Beth: "Luke has a lot of them. I can borrow one of his."
Luke: [age 7] "Maybe."
Me: "Okay. Fairy princess warrior: in a dress, with wings, a crown, and a light saber."
Beth: "And a zombie."
Beth: "A fairy princess warrior zombie."
Luke: "Do you even know what a zombie is?"
Beth: "A zombie is a zombie."
Luke: "You don't even know, do you."
Beth: "I'm not listening to you anymore."
I'm a little teapot
[Scene: Luke, age 7, is watching the TV game show "Jeopardy"]
Luke: "What are they doing now?"
Me: "This is the final round, so they give them extra time to think about it."
Luke: "But why are they listening to I'm A Little Teapot?"
Luke: "This song. They're playing I'm A Little Teapot. You know... 'short and stout, this is my handle, this is my spout'?"
Me: "That's the Jeopardy theme song."
Luke: "Huh. It sounds like they stole it from I'm A Little Teapot."
I know everything.
[Scene: Luke, age 7, has been instructing me about his toys]
Me: "You really know a lot about this."
Luke: "Well, actually, I know everything. I know everything about everything."
Me: "Really? Everything?"
Me: "What about me? Do I know everything?"
Luke: "No, you only know half."
Me: "Only half? But which half do I know?"
Luke: "Don't worry. You know the good half."
Link: Cheerios Writes Back →
As written on the Life of Dad blog… One month ago, I wrote the below letter to Cheerios, asking to (1) change their shape, (2) put my daughter on their box cover, and (3) send us a lifetime supply. Here is the original letter. …and then… Well, upon returning home from work, yesterday, I was excited to receive the below response from Cheerios. Clearly, I need to write...
Article: Oklahoma mom with cancer refused chemo to... →
This seriously makes me tear up. A cancer-stricken Oklahoma mom shared only a few precious moments with her newborn daughter after she made a decision to refuse chemotherapy - and trade her life to save the baby. Stacie Crimm, 41, died from cancer in her head and neck last month - just three days after cradling her newborn for the first and only time, and staring deep into her dark blue...
Luke: [age 7] "It worked! It worked!"
Me: "What worked?"
Luke: "You heard me shouting just now, right?"
Me: "Yes. Are you okay?"
Luke: "I was shouting at my blanket! I was trying to make my bed like you asked, and the blanket just wouldn't work with me, so I started shouting at it, and then it worked!"
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is talking about an at-home science experiment we did with liquids and density]
Beth: "I want to do another spearmint on buoyancy! And on girlancy too."
[Scene: Beth, age 3, has come to me about her brother Luke, age 7]
Beth: "Luke was doing a bad thing!"
Me: "What was he doing?"
Beth: "He hit me!"
Me: "Hmm. That's not good, but I thought I saw you hit him first."
Me: "So... were you doing a bad thing too?"
Beth: "Yeah, but I was only a TEENSY TINY BIT bad" -- [pinches thumb and forefinger together] -- "while Luke was being REALLY bad!"
I love you
Beth: [age 3] "Daddy, I just want you to know, I love you even when I'm grumpy. Okay?"
Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids... →
I love The Onion. PLANET EARTH—Facing what it called “a lot of uncertainty” on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be “just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being.” “Having children can be a wonderful thing, but to be honest,...
Rock Paper Scissors Squared
For some reason, Luke has lately been fascinated by the game of Rock Paper Scissors. However, he came up with a new way to play (at least new to us): Two players, as usual, but each player plays both hands at the same time. After playing your hand, you compare your left hand with your opponent’s right hand (and vice versa). As usual: rock still beats scissors; scissors still beats paper;...
No more kisses
Beth: [age 3, holding her nose] "What's that smell? It is so bad. I'm going to throw up. Daddy, make the smell go away! Hey! It's your breath! No more kisses for you."
Link: "Steve Jobs died tonight."
At least two people I know shared this essay on Facebook. I believe the original is public; certainly, I don’t know the author, and I don’t even have any “friends” in common with him. But as long as you have a Facebook account, I think you can see the original. Steve Jobs died tonight. I am not sure a lot of people are sad. But I wept. My son shared the news and...
You really mean yes
Luke: [age 7] "Can I do [...]?"
Luke: "Please? I just want to [...] once!"
Me: "I said no."
Luke: "Come on! I'll be careful."
Me: "Do you understand what I mean when I say no?"
Luke: [hopefully] "When you say no, you really mean yes?"
Me: "Um, no."
Luke: "So that means yes!"
Me: "No. It means no way, uh-uh, not a chance, ain't gonna happen, don't ask me again or you're going to be in trouble. Do you understand?"
Luke: [grinning] "No."
Me: "Is that supposed to mean yes?"
[Scene: Luke, age 7, has been told consistently by his mother that she knows everything he does; I had already mentioned to her he had music class today]
Mom: "So how was music class today?"
Luke: "How did you know I had music class at school? I didn't tell you that."
Mom: "Oh, I just know everything you do."
Luke: "How can you know everything?"
Mom: "I just do. I'm your mother. I can see you wherever you are."
Luke: [in a challenging tone] "Oh yeah? So where was I today when it started to rain and we had to come inside?"
Mom: [matter-of-factly] "You were outside at recess."
Luke: [boggling] "HOLY SMOKES! How do you do that?!"
This was making the rounds awhile ago and my kids found it hilarious. It is apparently from the Captain Underpants book series. With these new names, Luke and Beth become Flunky and Falafel Waffletush. Use the third letter of your current first name to determine your new first name: a = stinky b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i =...
Just a hard life
[Scene: Beth, age 3, has spilled something for the second time, and I've just expressed my exasperation]
Beth: "It's okay, Daddy. You can get through it. Sometimes it's just a hard life!"
[Scene: Luke, age 7, has spotted a pile of animal poop at the end of our driveway]
Luke: "I think it's fox poop."
Me: "Hard to tell. Somebody has already run over it."
Luke: "Yeah, but it's kind of red, so it's probably from a red fox."
Me: "You can't tell the color of an animal from the color of their poop."
Luke: "I guess not. Otherwise there would be no white people!"
[Scene: Beth, age 3, is sitting on the toilet]
Beth: "Daddy, today I am going to wipe all by myself!"
Me: "Really? You think you can do it?"
Beth: "Oh yes. I have GIRL POWER!!!"
Shave your head
Luke: [age 7] "Have you ever shaved your head?"
Luke: "Have you ever thought about shaving your head?"
Me: "No, I like my hair."
Luke: "Do you think you will ever want to shave your head?"
Me: "Probably not."
Luke: "Okay, but if you change your mind, can I shave your head?"
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is looking at a toy display]
Luke: "You know what's weird? They always show robots in cities. They're stomping around the streets and buildings. Or they're in space. They never show robots in other places."
Me: "Hmm. I guess you don't see too many pictures of robots on farms, for example."
Luke: "Robots on farms? That just sounds weird!"
These names don't make any sense
Luke: [age 6] "Why is Anakin Skywalker called Skywalker? He doesn't walk on the sky. And Yoda doesn't yodel. Jabba the Hutt doesn't live in a hut, either. These names don't make any sense."
thomasrhull answered your question: Middle of the night My son bit through a glow stick & sprayed the glowing, sticky contents around his room. At 2am, it took a while to figure out what happened. I’m seriously laughing out loud right now. That’s hilarious. Although it probably wasn’t funny at the time. I am also reminded of this video.
Middle of the night
For all you parents out there: what are the strangest things your children have said/asked/done when waking up in the middle of the night? I was thinking about that this morning, as Beth (my 3-year-old) woke up in the middle of the night, shouting for me. When I checked on her, she held up the stuffed fluffy seal she sleeps with and said sweetly, “The seal is hungry. She needs more...
I am not my stuff!
[Scene: Luke, age 6, is talking about a boy who recently came over to play]
Luke: "I don't like [B...]. I didn't have fun. I don't want to have him over again."
Me: "But you two seemed to get a long. He said he had fun."
Luke: "Yeah, but he took down all my toys and made a big mess!"
Me: "Well, you're messy sometimes too."
Luke: "And he didn't want to help put the toys away!"
Me: "That's true. But did you have fun while you were playing?"
Luke: "No, because [B...] is not interested in ME. He's just interested in my TOYS. And that's not fun for me! I AM NOT MY STUFF!"