As seen on Mashable · Yummy Mummy Club · Laughing Squid · Amy Poehler's Smart Girls · Design Taxi and more.
Me: "You have something on your nose."
Luke: [age 9] "Did you know that the Egyptians took out their brains through their noses when they were making someone into a mummy? They sucked it out with like a turkey baster or something."
Me: "Let's not talk about that at dinner."
Luke: "Okay. How about zombie blood?"
Me: "Um, no."
Beth: [age 5] "We could talk about aliens!"
Me: "That sounds good. What about aliens?"
Beth: "Alien BOOGERS!"
Luke: "Alien POOP!"
Me: "Seriously? We're in a restaurant."
Luke: "We could talk about people getting eaten by bears."
Me: "No."
Luke: "Why not? I bet nobody here has been eaten by a bear."
Beth: [age 5] "Daddy, I need an ice pack."
Me: "Oh? What happened? Did you get hurt?"
Beth: "No, I found a dead worm."
Me: "You don't get to keep a dead worm."
Beth: "I know. But remember when I fell down at school, and the nurse gave me an ice pack? It had a leak in it, with blue stuff coming out. And [T...] and I found a dead worm on the playground. I did some magic and poured some of the blue stuff on the worm, and it came back to life!"
Me: "You want me to give you a leaky ice pack so you can bring the dead worm back to life?"
Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "You don't get to keep a live worm, either."
Beth: [scowling] "Oh, Daddy. How did you know?"
“I just realized that your own worst enemy is yourself. It’s really just you. Because God doesn’t stop you from making your own mistakes. The devil doesn’t even have to be that powerful. All he has to do is tell you one little thing, and if you do it, it’s still you. Like Adam and Eve: All the devil did was say a few words, and bam! But they still did it… The devil’s like a little spider who manages to crawl somewhere and push a little rock, but it rolls into something else, which causes something bigger to fall, and then it turns into a big problem. Like dominoes. But it’s still you making it happen. He just did a tiny thing. That’s why the devil is only your /second/ worst enemy. /You/ are your worst enemy.”

Luke, age 9

“Our brains are just like computers. They remember stuff for us. I put something in there to remember, and later I can get it out. Our stomachs don’t do that. Stomachs don’t remember anything except PIZZA.”

Beth, age 5

Luke: [age 9] "Don't do that or I'll take you to court!"
Beth: [age 5] "What's court?"
Luke: "You don't know? A court is where you go when you do something wrong. It's a big room, and there are cops, and all these people sitting around, and there's one guy who sits up front on a kind of stage, and he has a really big hammer."
Beth: "What does he do with the hammer? Does he hit you in the head?"
Luke: "It depends on how bad you were."

I liked this video, partially because of the content (though I bet you’ll know where it is going pretty quickly) and partially because of the marketing stunt.

It misses a certain large percentage of the current job holders (you will know what I mean by the end) but still a good video.

Songs of the Boy, Part XI

Hard to believe this blog recently passed its third anniversary.

Those of you who have been here awhile have read how my kids improvise songs, loudly, usually in the bathroom. I first posted about this in December 2011.  The posts have tapered off, though the singing has not; merely, I haven’t had the time to write down as much of the lyrics as I used to. 

But, here’s a few that Luke belted out recently…

  • When your butt feels weird / you should probably take a shower. / It’s the only way to be sure.
  • The magic of Macy’s / is that when you walk out the door / your wallet is magically empty of money.
  • Do you know / how to get to the moon? / Let me turn around / and I’ll show you.
  • You can’t make me stop / la la la la la / and you can’t send me to my room / because i’m on the toilet! / la la la la la

Previous record of Luke’s musical mad skillz can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.

From Beth: 1, 2, 3, and this Thanksgiving thing. And this.

Responses to “Put the tech down”

Thanks, everyone, for all the feedback on Put the tech down and nobody will get hurt.  I wanted to respond to a few specific responses.

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Put the tech down and nobody will get hurt.

My 5-year-old played indoor sports this winter, because it is difficult to play basketball outdoors while you’re wearing snowshoes, and you could’t play it outdoors any other way, not this past February in the American Northeast.

For her last game, we arrived at the gym, and I sent her off to her team bench with her little pink water bottle. I sat on the sidelines. Few 5-year-olds have any sense of zone defense, or point defense, or defense at all. Or passing. Or shooting in the right direction. But that’s okay. They were getting exercise and having fun. My goal as a parent was to watch my daughter play, give a cheer when she (or her team, or really any kid) did something right, wave whenever she looked my way, and so on.

A mother arrived and sat next to me on the bench. Almost as soon as the game began, she took out an iPad, held it up in front her face, and started recording video. I gathered from her banter that she intended to record the entire game. The iPad swayed back and forth as woman and gadget tracked their child up and down the court.

All went swimmingly for the first fifteen minutes. Then, the iPad gave an error and stopped recording.  It had run out of storage space. The mother grumbled and spent several minutes deleting photos and apps off of the device. She started recording again, only to run out of space again about five minutes later. For the remainder of the game, she would record a few minutes, run out of space, delete stuff, and then repeat the cycle.  Through it all, she grew more and more irritated at the iPad, as if the device had willfully chosen to ruin her day by not warping time and space to increase its internal storage capacity.

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Beth: [age 5] "I want to make a picture of the Easter Bunny hatching out of an Easter egg."
Me: "Oh? Is that how the Easter Bunny was born?"
Beth: "Yes!"
Me: "Does this happen every year? Are there lots of Easter Bunnies in the world?"
Beth: "No, just one. He hatched one time."
Me: "When did he hatch? How old is he?"
Beth: "He's six years old."
Me: "Wow, only six? How did we celebrate Easter before he was born?"
Beth: [shrugging] "I guess you had to buy your own candy for yourself."