Scripts and scraps from my real-life parenting sitcom.

This made me laugh. So true, and well done.

POSTED: August 31, 2014 @ 7:45am  |   URL   |  SHARE:
Luke: [age 9] "I can't believe how long Beth takes to pick out clothes at the store. It's just clothes! I don't understand girl's style at all."
Mom: "Oh yeah? Who was it who spent hours online looking at sneakers before deciding exactly which pair he wanted?"
Luke: "That's different."
Mom: "No, not really."
Luke: "Shoes serve a purpose. They're for running and athletics and stuff."
Me: "I'm pretty sure clothes serve a purpose too. We could send you to school in a plastic bag if you disagree."
Luke: "It's just different!"
Mom: "Hey, you don't have to be into clothing styles. But you're definitely into shoe styles. It makes as little sense."
Luke: "You just don't understand shoes."
Beth: [age 6] "Daddy, what if you went outside, and it were raining brains?"
Me: "Raining brains? That's pretty weird."
Beth: "But what would you do? Would you run inside? Or would you go outside and walk around stepping on brains and squishing them?"
Me: "Hmm. Both options sound like so much fun, it's hard to pick. What would you do?"
Beth: "I'd go outside and jump on the brains. It might be a once-in-a-lifetime chance!"
Beth: [age 6] "I wish I were all grown up. Then I won't have to argue with you!"
Luke: [age 9] "Oh yes you will!"
Luke: [age 9] "Dad, I heard something on the news when I was at Grandma's."
Me: "About what?"
Luke: "Well, they said that a teenager raped a 6-year-old girl."
Me: "Dear God, that's terrible."
Luke: "Rape is sex, right? Except one person is forced to do it?"
Me: "Basically."
Luke: "But I thought you had to be at least a teenager to even have sex."
Me: "No, you have all the necessary body parts from birth. But a girl can't get pregnant until she starts having her period, usually around when she becomes a teenager. In this case, a teenage boy forced sex on a little girl. Rape is terrible and rape against a little kid is even worse."
Luke: "Oh. I thought you had to be older to even have sex. I guess not."
Me: "No."
Luke: "So, like that scene in Back to the Future, when Biff is in the car with the girl...."
Me: "Lorraine?"
Luke: "Yeah, Lorraine. And he's attacking her. Mom said that Biff was going to rape her."
Me: "It looks like that's what he intends. Marty's dad stops him before he does, but it looks like that's what Biff wants to do."
Luke: "Why would they put that in the movie?"
Me: "I think they wanted Lorraine to be in a really bad situation so that George would seem extra heroic."
Luke: "But... isn't sex a good thing? How does rape hurt people?"
Me: "Rape hurts people in a lot of ways. It can hurt them physically, sometimes permanently. Even worse, it hurts them emotionally, because it's like a form of torture. Someone who is raped may never get it out of their heads. Like a big scar on their brains, in their memory, that hurts all the time."
Luke: "I don't really know what you mean by the emotional stuff."
Me: "Well, look. I've told you that sex is supposed to be done out of the love between two people. Love is a good thing. But rape is sex without love. The love has been ripped out and replaced by hate, or violence, or anger, or cruelty, or selfishness, or something else. Look in your memory for things people do in your life out of love, and then replace that with something really painful and evil that you can't forget. It's a lot worse than physical hurt."
Luke: "I guess that's like when somebody does something mean to me and I can't stop thinking about it."
Me: "Okay. Take that and multiply it by a billion."
Luke: [shaking his head] "Why would anybody rape somebody else?"
Me: "I don't know. Love is giving and taking, while rape is just taking. I think some people don't know how to do the giving part, or they don't want to. If you ever find yourself thinking about taking more love than you're giving, you'd better check your thoughts, because something is messed up in your head."
Luke: "Maybe I should stop listening to the news, too."
Me: "Sometimes that's a good idea."
Beth: [age 6, out of the blue] "Daddy, why didn't the frog blood put out the fire?"
Me: [drawing a complete blank] "What?"
Beth: [patiently] "Why didn't the frog blood put out the fire?"
Me: "What on earth are you talking about?"
Beth: [doubly slow] "Why... didn't... the... frog... blood --"
Me: [interrupting] "I heard you, sweetheart. I just have no idea what you're talking about."
Beth: "Remember the campfire we had two weeks ago?"
Me: "Yes...."
Beth: "And remember when a tree frog jumped into it and died?"
Me: [remembering] "Oh, yes."
Beth: "So why didn't the frog blood put out the fire?"
Me: "Well, it was a really big fire, and a really small frog. I think he died very quickly and burned up."
Beth: "So if a really really big frog had jumped into the fire, a frog bigger than the fire, then maybe it would have put the fire out?"
Me: "I suppose so, but you would probably need a 200-pound frog."
Beth: "Do those exist?"
Me: "I don't think so."
Beth: "I think they should exist, even if they don't."
Luke: [age 9] "Have you met Joey and Bobby?"
Me: "Ummm... no."
Luke: [raises his arms] "Here's Joey, and here's Bobby!"
Me: "You named your armpits?"
Luke: "They really have a lot of character, so I decided to give them their own names."
Me: "Did you name any other body parts?"
Luke: [pulls up shirt, pats his stomach] "Yes, this is Josephine."
Me: "You know Josephine is a girl's name, right?"
Luke: "Of course. It has to be a girl, though, because she gave birth to Ebenezer and Lucy Anne." [pulls up shirt further to reveal chest nipples]
Me: [rolling eyes] "That's, um.... very creative. Dare I ask if you have named any other body parts?"
Luke: "I can't answer that without taking off my pants."
Mom: "So, you were right, Luke, and we were wrong."
Luke: [age 9, incredulously] "What?"
Me: "She said: you were right, and we were wrong."
Luke: "I might need to hear that one more time."
Me: "This is the third and last time: you were right, and we were wrong."
Luke: [with satisfaction] "I might need to get that on a recording."
Me: "We're not wrong /that/ often. Don't press your luck!"
[Scene: Luke, age 9, recently finished a week-long horseback riding summer camp...]
Me: "So how was camp?"
Luke: "Well, the riding was fun."
Me: "What wasn't fun?"
Luke: "Mucking out the stalls. I'm really tired of shoveling horse poop."
Me: "Oh, I remember doing that. But shoveling poop is a big part of taking care of horses."
Luke: "Yeah, but this wasn't fair at all. There were two boys in the class, me and [B...], and eight girls. And the teacher made the boys shovel poop while the girls sat in the shade under a tree and drank lemonade!"
Me: [chuckling] "That's not fair, is it."
Luke: "No, it's really totally not fair!"
Me: "I hate to say this, but this won't be the last time in your life that you have to clean up something disgusting while other people sit around doing nothing. Life is unfair a lot of times."
Luke: "I can't believe she made us do that. It was like a whole hour we had to shovel poop out of the stalls and into the wheelbarrow and take it out to the poop pile. Poop. POOP! Poop everywhere!"
Me: "But... it's kinda funny too, don't you think? Imagine if you saw that happen in a movie."
Luke: [sighing] "Okay. Yeah, it's kind of funny. But it's still totally unfair!"
Luke: [age 9] "Hey, back up! This is my bubble of personal space!" [traces shape around himself with his hands]
Beth: [age 6] "I'M IN YOUR PERSONAL SPACE! TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH TOUCH!!!" [poking Luke each time]